Joke of the day

[emmasweet]

- Doctor, Doctor, I can not stop stealing cars.
- Take these pills once a day. If you think not have any effect, bring me a Porsche next time you pass through here.

[emmasweet]

A nun goes to the doctor:
- Doctor can not get rid of hiccups.
Consult a doctor and tell him:
- You are pregnant.
Nun returns to the monastery and told the doctor tells you.
The next day abbess addresses:
- Why did you say that our nun?
- In order to scare her and get rid of hiccups ...
At the abbess:
- The bishop who was scared, jumped from the tower!!!!

[emmasweet]

Sex is like snow ... never know how long will it take and how many inches will reach.

[Forrest]

Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he suddenly becomes very upset.
With his face upturned to the heavens, he says in disbelief,
"Now let me get this straight,we're the chosen people,
and you want us to cut off the tips of our whats?!!!!"



A precocious 10 year old walked into a bar and yelled to the waitress
to bring him a Scotch on the rocks.
"What do you want to do?" asked the waitress, "Get me into trouble?"
"Maybe later" replied the young lad, "but, right now, I'd like that drink"

[Franken996]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

[Forrest]

"A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'."

"Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."

"A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'."

"Velcro. What a rip-off!"

"I don't make jokes about the spanish.. No way Jose!"

"I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy
a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'"

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything."

[Forrest]

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.
All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of
Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds, I now have a
12 inch c*ck, and I am top of the housing list.

Blonde walks into a dry cleaners with a pair of stained white
trousers, and hands them over to the assistant.
As she is heading for the door the assistant says,
"Thank You, Come Again"
Blonde replies "No, toothpaste this time".

[Forrest]

"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"

"I've played football on a plane you know....
there I was, running up the wing!!!"

"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"

"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police -
they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "

"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said,
'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.
' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!

"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket?
They've formed The Doors!!!!!"

"I was taking the motorway out of London.
A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'

[Forrest]

"A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'."

"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room.
I didn't know what to make of it."

"Two blokes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it."

"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in."

"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
it was Weggie Kray."

"I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running
a Sheffield based football team." They said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't manage Wednesday.'"

[Forrest]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question,
and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing
it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came
home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved
two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter
brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's
going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies,
"From the smell of his fingers, probably our son in-law!"