Joke of the day

[Forrest]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and
then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the
old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old
man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of
the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

[Franken996]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[TheBestPoster]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

very funny

[Banjo]

Two sperms have been set free and they're swimming along side by side. After a while one turns to the other and asks "have we passed the cervix yet do you think ?".

The other says "the cervix ?? Sure we haven't even gotten to the tonsils yet".

[Forrest]

Anon meets Patricia at a bar and they are, naturally, instantly attracted to each other.
They party all night, and at the end decide to go back to her place to continue.
Once there, they get passionate and start to make out.
When the time is right, Patricia goes to the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting for Anon who has gone to the bathroom to freshen up.
He walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on.
He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you some kinda pervert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his member which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
He breaks her spell by saying, "You're gonna have to draw a line somewhere, baby."

[Forrest]

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer
and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?"
"Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess?
Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?"
"Partly," she said. "But more because when we finished,
you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted,
'YOUR TURN!'"

[Forrest]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

[vampirejackie]

If only men were like mobile phones....you could...

1. Choose the package that appeals to you most
2. Pick the size & features you really wanted
3. Upgrade to a newer model after 12, 18 ro 24 months
4. Set them on vibrate at all times
5. Put them on silent mode when they do your FUKIN HEAD IN!!!!!

[Franken996]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Forrest]

The vicar was standing outside the church when a sweet
little girl is walking along with her dog.
"Hello little girl, I've not seen you around here before,
what's your name?" asks the vicar.
"My name is Petal" replies the sweet little thing.
"Oh what a lovely name" says the vicar "Why did
mummy and daddy call you that?"
"Cos when I was growing in my mummy's tummy
one day mummy and daddy went on a picnic
and a rose petal drifted down to land on mummy's
tummy and daddy said if we have a girl we'll call her Petal"
"That's a lovely story" says the vicar "and what's your little dog called?"
"Oh his name is Porky" says Petal.
"I suppose that's because of his curly tail" says the reverend.
"No" replies Petal "It's because he fucks pigs"