Joke of the day

[UB40]

Margaret Thatcher’s final wish was to be cremated.
Unfortunately, we’ve no coal left.

April 2013 – Margaret Thatcher dies.
May 2013 – Hell privatised.

So we’ve had an Argentinian Pope for 2 weeks, and Margaret Thatcher dies.
Coincidence?

It’s been announced that Margaret Thatcher will have a state funeral. The former PM is to be buried at the bottom of a man made lake.
Or at least she will be once we’ve finished pissing on her grave.

Mrs Thatcher arrives at Hell and is greeted by Jimmy Savile who says to her “Now then, you’re here for screwing minors too?”

Doctors tonight have described Baroness Thatcher’s condition as “satisfactory''

[Forrest]

Mr & Mrs Samlad, getting it on.

[emmasweet]

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles




and lighten your burden.




Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or




troubles.




Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

[emmasweet]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.


The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.


Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "

[Forrest]

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room,
she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."
Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which, Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

[Sexy Fernanda]

A Little boy went to a telephone booth which was at the cash counter of a store and dialed a number. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: “Lady, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?”

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line) “I already have someone to cut my lawn.”

Boy: “Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price than the person who cuts your lawn now.”

Woman: “I’m very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting the lawn.”

Boy: (with more perseverance) “Lady, I’ll even sweep the floor and the stairs of your house for free.”

Woman: “No, thank you.”

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store-owner: “Son…. I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job.”

Boy: “No thanks.”

Store-owner: “But you were really pleading for one.”

Boy: “No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!”

”This is called Self Appraisal”

[La Toya]

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says,Mister is there a problem.. is there anything I can help you with? The blind man calmly replied, no thanks, I'm just looking around.....

[emmasweet]

A female gynecologist retires and decides to pursue a hobby of hers: auto-tuning.
She gets into a motor repair course in her community college and finishes with an exam.


The community college sends her grades through mail and when she receives them she is very surprised:
-Out of one hundred points, one hundred and fifty? it must be a typo.


She calls the community college and asks for her teacher


-Mr. Shephard?
-Hi, Mrs. Jones, how can I help you?
-Well, I got my grades and it says that out of a 100 points I scored 150. It must be a typo!
-That's no typo!
-What do you mean?
-Mrs. Jones: do you remember the testing procedure? Theorical and Practical?
-Yes, Mr. Shephard, but I still don't get it.
-Well, we started with the theorical: describe how to take apart and put together a motor, you had 50 out of 50...
-... Ok?
-Then there was the practical: to actually take apart and put together a motor, again 50 out of 50.
-Ok, but what about the extra 50 points?


The teacher took a minute to answer:


-Maam, you did all that through the exhaust pipe.

[emmasweet]

A Fireman comes home from work and tells his wife "wow we really have things going good at the firehall. When the captain yells 1 we slide down the pole. When he yells 2 we put on our suits. When he yells 3 were on the truck and on our way. So from now on when I come home and yell 1 you take off your clothes. When I yell 2 jump on the bed. And when I say 3 we will be goin at it.


The husband comes home the next day and yells 1 and the wife takes off her clothes. He Yells 2 and she jumps on the bed. He then yells 3 and there going at it.


She then yells "4."


He says" What the hell is 4?"


The wife said " Your hose isn't nearly big enough and your getting no where close to the fire!"

[emmasweet]

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells this lady artist he wants a tatto.She shows the designs and he says,forget those lady,I want you to tattoo a 100 dollar bill on my c*ck!She says,that's painful and disgusting!Why do you want me to do that for? He said,for three good reasons.Number one,I like to play with my money.Number two,I like to watch my money grow and three my wife can blow 100 bucks in less then 100 seconds!