Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

Oh god im gonna explode any second'i said.do it all over my tits'my girlfriend said.all over your tits?are you sure?i asked yes for me!ok then i'm commmming....the moral of the story is when you have diahorrea its best to be more specific!!!

[Dirty Harry]

What has 1 leg and ruins other peoples lives? Oscar pistorios and heather mills...

[Dirty Harry]

Earlier i told a joke about tourists in Egypt.......it went down like a lead balloon.

[Clueless]

Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the can to take a shit.

The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned a factory, manufacturing furniture. Just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

The fourth man came back, and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons are. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn't amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his friends!

[Curvaceous Kate]

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails? The Barman says, "£4 a glass and £10 a pitcher". Paddy replied, "I'll have a glass, fuck the photo!"

[emmasweet]

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still fuckin celebrating!!

[emmasweet]

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’ve been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sex!”
Sadie questions: “If I moaned when we had sex, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Morris, should I moan now?” “No not yet.”
Morris begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?” “No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. “Is it time for me to moan, Morris?” “Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“OY! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a day I had!”

[emmasweet]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.

[emmasweet]

A girl was giving me a hand job last night.
“You’re really good at this,” I said, “what’s your secret?”
“Years of practice,” she giggled.
“You’ve done this to loads of guys then? I asked.
“No” came the reply, “my name used to be Derek.”

[Forrest]

A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity
got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.
"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.
"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"
"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they're in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in.
She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs.... and he starts to cry. She says,
"What's the matter?"
He says, "Forty years ago, I couldn't wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can't wait to eat me!"