Weekend Humour

[emmasweet]

The gynecologist, a frightened young lady: - Doctor, disaster! ...
I played with the vibrator and remained inside.
What to do?
- Please lie down here!
She stretches, consult a doctor bit, then says:
- Miss, I have two news for you, one good and one bad. To start with?
- Start with the worst, she says, scared.
- The bad news is that I managed to put out of your vibrator.
- And the good news?
- I managed to change the battery.

[Forrest]

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.
The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
"Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more.
"You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

[Forrest]

Hello, my name is William and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding
50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually
believe that if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Kentucky
with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to
have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone
to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish,
I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!

What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house
and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that
was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by
midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.

F*ck 'em.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,
and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive
a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are,
it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening
to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years
and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then f*ck off.

[Forrest]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading This is a moral/ethical dilemma
that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the
old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back.
However , you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady
to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to "Think outside of the Box."








HOWEVER..







The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,
have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off
with the old friend for a few beers.

Damn, I just love happy endings!

[OnlyMe]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.


Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



What do you call a woman who has lost 97.5% of her intelligence?
Divorced.


Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is Wedding Cake.


Why do men die before their wives?
Because dthey want to.

[Forrest]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive,"
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either,
so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.
MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Forrest]

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name
for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

_____________________________________________________________


A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and
notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."
The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help
that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

_____________________________________________________________

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed.
He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman.
"In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.'
Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

[Forrest]

A man is walking down the High Street when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, burying him in rubble.
It’s another 10 minutes before another passerby – a smartly dressed man – happens to wander past.
“Christ! Are you okay mate?” he cries. “Has anyone called an ambulance?”
“Uh….no” comes an agonised reply.
“Right, has anyone called the police?” asks the second man.
“No” moans the injured man.
“Okay...has the compensation board been informed?”
By now the injured man is getting angry. “Look, you’re the first one here!!!”
The smart dressed man thinks for a minute. “All right” he says, shifting some rubble. “Move over then”

[dr love]

Man gets home, tells wife
"Get me a beer before it starts"
he drinks it then says
"Quick get me 1 more before it starts"
again she gets it he drinks it & says
"another before it starts"
She says
"Listen here you lazy fat bollocks, you walk in, sit down & start barking orders"...
He says "Fuck me it's started"

[Forrest]

A boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over.
“If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you €10 and a packet of sweets”
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A little further up the road the man again pulls over.
“Okay,” he says, “How about €20 and two packets of sweets?”
The boy tells the man to piss off and carries on walking.
Still further up the road the man again pulls to the kerb.
“Right,” he says, “This is my final offer - €50 and all the sweets you can eat”
The little boy stops walking, goes towards the car and leans in.
“Look,” he hisses, “You bought the fu**ing Lada, Dad, and you have to live with it”