Weekend Humour

[emmasweet]

What a Woman Wants in a Man
What I Want In A Man, Original List ... (at age 22)
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1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 32)
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1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 42)
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1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 52)
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1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 62)
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1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

What I Want In A Man, Revised List ... (at age 72)
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1. Breathing

[UB40]

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.

Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.

Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!”

The player smiles and says, “He’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”

[emmasweet]

[Forrest]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years,
my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[emmasweet]

[emmasweet]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."


He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Forrest]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter.
The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.
“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[Forrest]

Q: Have you heard about that blind hooker?
A: You've gotta hand it to her!


What's green, slimy, and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.


A 96-year old man is pleading with the doctor for a lower sex drive.
"Surely you're imagining things," says the doctor. "You're 96 years old. Isn't all the feeling for sex just in your head?"
"Yes," replies the elderly man, "that's why I want you to lower my sex drive to the place where it might do more good."