Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

A couple are driving along a road one night, when the guy says they have run out of petrol.
As they pull off the road, he says to the girl that he might as well take a leak while they've stopped.
As he gets out the girl thinks to herself that this all may be some kind of scheme to get her alone in the back seat.
She decides to check whether there is petrol while he is pissing behind the car, so she goes around to the fuel tank nozzle.
Opening it, she tries to smell for fumes. Smelling none, she strikes a match.
Bam!! The tank blows and the couple are thrown into the bushes.
Coming to, the girl says: "Help me find my purse, it has my money in it."
The guy moans: "Ah, fuck your purse, help me find my hand, it has my cock in it!!!

[Forrest]

Why does an elephant have four feet?
Because eight inches isn't enough.



What do soyabeans and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.


What's the difference between men and jellybeans?
Jelly beans come in different colours.

[Forrest]

John, a farmer, arrives home drunk one night and says to his long-suffering wife: "You know, Anna, if you could only lay eggs we could get rid of all those smelly chickens". Anna said nothing, so he tried again: "You know, Anna, if only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows"
His wife looked at him coolly and replied: "You know, John, if only you could get it up we could get rid of your brother Bob"

[Dirty Harry]

the blue whale ejaculates over40 gallons of sperm when mating,only 10% enters the female,and you always wonder why the sea tasted salty!!!

[Forrest]

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

[Forrest]

Anon was away on business in New York and was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

[Forrest]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

[Forrest]

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?

A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

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A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

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This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

[dr love]

a husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
after 20 yrs of this wife turned to him one nite and found him holding a fake willy.
she went mad you impotent bastard she shouted at him no wonder you always wanted the lights out
how could you lie to me after all these years.
husband looked her in the eye and calmysaid ill explain the toy you explain the kids. ;doc;

[Forrest]

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.


Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.


Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.


Q. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A. They are both used as a meat substitute.