Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the hottest girl he sees
"Hi the names Bond" he says
"Let me guess, James Bond" replies the girl
"No" he says" Unibond ~ I'm here to fill your crack"
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Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
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What do you get if you cross a hurricane and a tsunami?
Katrina and the Waves.
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The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

[Forrest]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?
The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.
'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

[Forrest]

RECIPE:
HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 soft, warm mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.


Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

[Forrest]

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''

''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''

''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''

Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''

[Forrest]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London.
He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs.
She takes off her pants and her panties.
He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"
She says, "It's me lower mouth."
He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"
She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."
He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"
She says, "Not yet. . ."

[Forrest]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[Forrest]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.
As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the
dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it
he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. The rabbit hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good, unlike the tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots.
They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.
"Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came
a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try.
You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field.
"They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest
of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he
staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

[Forrest]

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said,
"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does an asshole stretcher do?"
Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched,
so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two.
Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked,
"What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole ?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!

[Forrest]

"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,"
testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
"Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge.
"Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar
and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman
-- so I showed her."

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A young man decided to join the police force.
As a recruit he was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."

[Forrest]

I got stopped by a copper with a radar gun the other day.
'Bit of a speed merchant are we sir?' he asked.
'A bit, now and then,' I replied, 'but I only sell to friends'.
So, as well as two points, I'm looking at three months.

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The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said "Is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered "Yes!"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident"
I said "I know, but come on, she really does have a lovely personality..!"