Weekend Humour

[Sexy Susan]

Renatha,,, I like it !!! xxxxxxxx

[venus active]

A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of Playboy.
Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

very good.

[kenford]

Ha ha, enjoyed those.

[Forrest]

"Give it to me", she yelled, "I'm so fucking wet!! Give it to me now!!"































She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella.

[La Toya]

A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian....

[Danny2011]

A man's wife has been in a coma for months
doctors have tried everything to revive her without success

Finally a doctor tells her husband "there are recent studies that have
shown oral sex to have brought people out of comas, if you want to try we can
arrange some privacy for you", the husband agees to try anything at this stage such is his
desperation so the curtains are pulled and everyone leaves


A few minutes later alarms start going off and the doctor rushes back in
to find the woman in cardiac arrest, after several minutes frantic efforts the doctors
finally stabilise the woman again and the doctor turns to her husband

"What on earth happened to her?"

"I'm not sure" replies the husband "I think she may have choked"

[Forrest]

I saw a dwarf leaving the shopping centre with a flat screen Tv, and he looked to be struggling with it,
so I shouted "Need a hand with that TV?" And he shouted back "Fuck off, it's a Kindle."

Did you hear about the pickpocket who specialises in mugging dwarves? How could anybody stoop so low?

A clairvoyant dwarf is currently on the run after robbing a bank. The police have put out an a.p.b for a small medium at large.

Police eventually caught the dwarf, and put him in prison. But the little felon managed to escape by climbing out his cell
window and abseiling down the prison wall, calling the prison guards useless idiots as he did so. It was a little con-descending.

[Forrest]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage
to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such
a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken
crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop
in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this
historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

[Forrest]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road",
and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history.
An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably
the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

[wolfie]

What's a 9v battery and an anus got in common?


You know you shouldn't ............ but sooner or later you put your tongue on it