Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"
The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".
One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"
The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing

[Forrest]

A woman visits the dentist to have a bad tooth removed.
As the dentist is working on extracting the tooth she suddenly cries out:
"Oh no, I'd rather have a child!"
"In that case, let me adjust the chair," replies the dentist.

[Forrest]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[Forrest]

There once were two priests, Fr. Dick and Fr. Ray.
One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers.
Halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.
So, Fr. Ray says to Fr. Dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go get some".
He leaves to fetch the soap and doesn't bother to get dressed because nobody should still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.
The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.
When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.
Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said "Oh look, a soap dispencer", wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.
With this the nun says "Yes it's true, it is a soap dispencer".
Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.
But nothing happended for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals "Oh! Look, handcream!"

[Forrest]

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests
with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed,
takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin.
Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie,
but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*.
A bull cannot "surprise" more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s fucking the horse!"

[Forrest]

Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.

He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.

He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.

He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating cunt."

[mr maxi]

A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.

In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"

His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"

The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"

The man's wife apologizes sincerely.

The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.

He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"

His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"

[Forrest]

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up
his computer and asked him what word he would like to use
as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass the female he told her to enter PENIS.
Without blinking or saying a word she entered the password.
She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:
** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ****



A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery
and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred",
and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line,
stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis
and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up,
pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a
good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic,
stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!" Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink
all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100
ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).
He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes
then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over. Over she comes,
grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to vigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"

[Forrest]

The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper. The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me kiss you for fifty pence?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me kiss you for a thousand pounds?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me kiss you for five pounds?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

[Forrest]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Hallowe'en Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."