Weekend Humour

[madjack]

In olden days a boy and girl were pals in school. She went to America and after 10 year's she wrote him a letter saying she could not settle there as she realised she should never have left as she loved him and she was coming home. She asked him to pick her up at Limerick train station on the following Saturday at 2 pm. So on the day he pulled out the donkey and cart an they headed for the station. When they got there he tied the donkey to the railing and as he was walking away he noticed the donkey's langer was hanging down a foot and a half. He say's to the donkey was it me or you got the letter from her.

[madjack]

Children in school one day and the teacher say's close ye're book's and we will have a general knowledge chat. Right she say's what's the fastest thing in the world. Mary say's a thought mass. Anyone else and Joan say's blink your eye's. Now say's the teacher we will give the boy's a chance and mike say's light switch, press it and instant light, press again light off. She look's down in the corner and spot's Johnny half asleep and say's Johnny wake up what's the fastest thing in the world and Johnny say's oh oh diarhia miss. Teacher say's how do you make that out and Johnny say's well miss if you get a bad dose of it you won't have time to think, blink or turn on the fucking light Miss

[emmasweet]

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would lov...e to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”

[emmasweet]

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”
...
SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”

SON : “Give me two good reasons WHY I should go to school?”

MOM :

One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school

[Forrest]

A husband and wife are out camping.
In the middle of the night, the husband shakes his wife awake and says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
"OK," she says. "Put them between my thighs to warm them up."
An hour later, he shakes her awake again and says, "Honey, my feet are cold!"
"Fine," she says. "You can put them between my thighs to warm them up."
Another hour later, he wakes her up and says, "Honey, my dick is freezing! Can I put it between your thighs to warm up?"
"Damn it," the wife cries. "Why can't your ears ever get cold?"

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

A skinny white man goes into the lift and sees a huge black man who says,
"Before you ask, 7ft tall, 350 lbs, 20" dick, and my balls weigh 3lbs each. Turner Brown"
The white guy faints, and when he comes to, he asks the black man to repeat what he said.
The black man repeats his stats and says, "My name is Turner Brown"
Thank fuck for that, the white man replies, "I thought you said Turn Around!!!!"

[Forrest]

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the
men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

[Forrest]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
The doctor said "When you feel you are ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion he ran home to his wife.
At home he found his wife in bed naked.
As the two began they found themselves in the 69 position.
In a matter of moments he felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired off the starter pistol.
The next day the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked "How did it go?"
The man answered "Not that well. When I fired the pistol my wife shit in my face,
bit my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."