Weekend Humour

[samlad]

Hubby asks his wife, "I fancy some kinky sex... can I cum in your ear?"

"No!" exclaims his wife, "I might go deaf!"

"Deaf?" replies the husband, "I've been cumming in your mouth for 15 years and you're still fucking talking!"

[Forrest]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,
"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."


Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to
a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

[Forrest]

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?
A. "Row, row, row your boat..."

[emmasweet]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[emmasweet]

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[Forrest]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol
and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Forrest]

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."


Police confirm a pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox last week.
They are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[max california]

A man is having problems in the bedroom department and goes to see his doctor.
"There's a new secrer drug being trialled that's ten times more powerful than Viagra,"says the doctor, "would you.like to have a.go?"
"Definitely!" says the patient"I'll give it a try"
A week later the guy bumps into his doctor in the car park at Tescos.
"Doctor, I cant thank you enough!" he exclaims, "I'm having the most incredible sex ever!"
The doctor replies,"That's wonderful news. How is your wife finding it?"
"My wife?" says the guy, "I have no idea. I haven't been home yet!"

[max california]

A man is walking past his sons bedroom and overhears part of a conversation.
"It gets longer when it's pulled" says the boy, much to his fathers shock.
"It slides between boobs, and fits neatly in a hole" the boy continues.
His dad.is geting more and more worried.
"Plus it works best when it's jerked!" concludes the boy.
The father bursts in.
"Son, we need to talk about your penis," he shouts.
"OK," says the boy,"but let us finish my project about seatbelts!"

[Forrest]

Q. Why did God create the orgasm?
A. So women can moan even when they’re happy.


Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well hung.


Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.


Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.