Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing
at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her
a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

[Stephanie]

Excellent, Forrest xx

[dr love]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started& hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminunprscriptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.And two al hve a Marry Crispmouse..... X

[dr love]

Before sex,,, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked

[Forrest]

[Forrest]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one’s on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, "We’re through.’ ’Pack your bag’s and get out," I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

[Forrest]

A Mafia godfather finds out that one of his underlings has ripped him off to the tune of £10m.
The underling happens to be deaf, so the godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling: "Where is the £10m you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, relays the question to the hood.
The underling signs back: "I don’t know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about."

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the underling’s temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!"

The underling signs back: "Ok! Ok! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what’d he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Forrest]

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty, but reluctant, date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

[Forrest]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there
with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[Forrest]

Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of Notre Dame, blood everywhere, broken legs and arms.
He looks up to the bell tower, where he sees Esmeralda peering down at him.
He shouts up, "You bitch! That’s not what I meant when I said "Toss me off’"