Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache ?"

[Forrest]

I just had a call from a charity asking me to
donate some of my clothes to the starving
people throughout the world.
I told them to fu*k off!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

[Forrest]

Me and my girlfriend were finally going to have sex in a tent.
But I couldn't get it up.


What did one Geordie say to another Geordie?
Something incomprehensible.


Today MI5 have revealed that Al Qaeda have placed explosives in various
tins of alphabetti spaghetti and they warn if detonated it could spell disaster!

[samlad]

Me and my girlfriend were finally going to have sex in a tent.
But I couldn't get it up.


What did one Geordie say to another Geordie?
Something incomprehensible.


Today MI5 have revealed that Al Qaeda have placed explosives in various
tins of alphabetti spaghetti and they warn if detonated it could spell disaster!

God Almighty Forrest! Some real groaners there! LOL!

[Forrest]

God Almighty Forrest! Some real groaners there! LOL!

If you thought that was bad, Sam

Camilla Parker Bowles goes to her doctor and says.
"Doctor every time I give Prince Charles a
blow job I get this really bad heart burn."
The doctor looks at her and replies
"Have you tried Andrews?"

[samlad]

if you thought that was bad, sam

camilla parker bowles goes to her doctor and says.
"doctor every time i give prince charles a
blow job i get this really bad heart burn."
the doctor looks at her and replies
"have you tried andrews?"

(double groan!!!)

[magicalman9357]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees
a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'


Dog: Yeah, doin' all right..'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)


Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the
villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……

Very good Steady.

[monster_monster]

I don't see why people expect female linesman to be worse than male ones.

I mean, if there is something women are good at, it is pointing out mistakes made by men.

[monster_monster]

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

[Dirty Harry]

just bought my wife a smart car it won't let her in