Weekend Humour

[dr love]

Just found out the difference between kinky and perverted. If you are kinky you use a feather. If you are perverted you use the full chicken.

[Forrest]

After experiencing an itchy, red rash and bump on his forehead, a man goes to see his doctor,
who immediately takes a swab of the area and sends it to the lab for testing.
When the results come back, the Doctor calls the man back in and says,
“They’re extremely unusual results. The sample contained genital DNA – basically,
you have a very rare condition, where a penis is starting to grow on your head.”
Shocked, the man breaks down. “Oh my God, what am I going to do?” he sobs.
“I’ll have to give up my job………my girlfriend will leave me……….and……..how can I ever look in the mirror again.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that”, says the doctor.
“Really?” cries the man, with a little hope.
“Oh yes”, replies the physician, “You won’t be able to see anything when your balls are covering your eyes”

[dr love]

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of dog shit over her carpet and explains, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog shit from your carpet, i will eat whats left". "Well, she says. i hope you are fuckin hungry, cos the bastards cut my electricity off this morning!

[Forrest]

President Bush was visiting a school where a class is discussing words and meanings.
The teacher asks Dubya if he would like to lead a discussion on the word ‘tragedy’.
Bush asks if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy, and a boy stands up.
“If my best friend was playing in the street and a car ran him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No”, says George, “that would be an accident, son.”
A little girl then raises her hand and says “If a school bus carrying 20 children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not, missy,” explains the President, “that would be a great loss”.
The room goes quiet. Finally, after an embarrassing silence, way at the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.
“If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens by a terrorist, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic,” says Bush, “and can you tell me why it would be a tragedy, son?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”

[lexlutter]

I can have sex with a woman for free, and it's legal.In order to get her to have sex with me, I can buy her drinks and dinner, and it still remains legal.However, if I pay a woman to have sex with me, it becomes illegal.But, if I pay a woman to have sex with me on camera, and distribute copies for it for profit, it suddenly becomes legal again.Wtf.

[dr love]

Nun goes into confessional and say's to the priest "l'm pregnant", he asks how this could happen and she says "l think it must be the 2nd coming" and the priest shocked by this reply asks "what makes you think it was the 2nd coming", she replied "cos l swallowed the first"

[Forrest]

Paul Daniels was doing tricks on live TV, but he runs out of 'magic' with 5 minutes to go,
so he asks if anyone in the audience has any tricks.
A guy puts up his hand and Paul invites him onto the stage.
He then asks him what he needs for the trick.
The bloke replies, "Your assistant - the lovely Debbie- and a table."
Mr. Daniels is slightly confused but gets the table and Debbie onto centre stage anyway.
The guy then bends Debbie over the table and starts fu*k*ng her from behind.
Paul, looking shocked, says, "What are you doing? That isn't a trick."
"I know", replies the bloke, "but it's fu*k*ng magic."

[magicalman9357]

Paul Daniels was doing tricks on live TV, but he runs out of 'magic' with 5 minutes to go,
so he asks if anyone in the audience has any tricks.
A guy puts up his hand and Paul invites him onto the stage.
He then asks him what he needs for the trick.
The bloke replies, "Your assistant - the lovely Debbie- and a table."
Mr. Daniels is slightly confused but gets the table and Debbie onto centre stage anyway.
The guy then bends Debbie over the table and starts fu*k*ng her from behind.
Paul, looking shocked, says, "What are you doing? That isn't a trick."
"I know", replies the bloke, "but it's fu*k*ng magic."

It wasn't me really.

[Forrest]

It wasn't me really.

Now that's magic

[lexlutter]

I don't agree with women when they say a nice dress can make anyone feel sexy.I just felt a bit gay