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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    Default Jokes

    A little boy and his grandfather are fishing.

    Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
    Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
    "Then you can't have one."

    A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No."
    "Then you can't have one."

    Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket.
    Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, "I just won $50,000!"
    Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
    The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
    "Then go fuck yourself!"
    Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

    Oscar Wilde

  2. #2
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    A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner.


    "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.


    "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.


    The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).


    That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.


    "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."


    "No problem," he says. And in they go.


    The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.


    As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.


    So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.


    "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.


    Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.


    Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."
    Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

    Oscar Wilde

  3. #3
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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
    and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
    he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
    look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
    in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
    don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
    he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
    he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

    To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong, honey, I love you too."
    Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

    Oscar Wilde

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drake Ramora View Post
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
    He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
    and finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
    he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
    look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
    in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
    don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
    he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
    he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

    To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
    I told him it was in the bathroom.
    Be strong, honey, I love you too."
    very good your an old head on young sholders arent you

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