That's the bad news.
The good news is, that was quite a while ago and I'm pretty much over it now but, I'm gonna recount the tale for your reading pleasure.
Not in Ireland, it was actually in New York.
And when I say backpage, I mean Craigslist.
We were staying just outside New York, in a place called Journal Square in New Jersey.
Place was a dump.
Anyways - guys. Have you ever tried scoring a chick in New York??
Chicks there are all about $$$$$, and if you don't got it.... life is rough.
After almost two months of this, myself and my mate Beano were sat at home in our filthy little apartment.
We did have access to the internet, and we were looking up untold quantities of porno at the time.
Anyways, we somehow stumble across the "personals" section of Craigslist.
There are advertisements for our very area.
Girls are at home and horny, and want to meet us, according to their adds.
We agree that the sexual frustration was getting too much, so we check our financial resources, and decide with can afford about an hour with a pair of escorts.
The advert link showed photos of two cracking looking young african american escorts.
Knowing absolutely nothing more about it, we dial them up.
About 40 minutes later the apartment buzzer goes off, and we let them in.
We're met at the door by 50 cents fucking twin brother, who demands the cash up front, before we can see the women.
We hand over the green.
Next thing these two "women" appear.
They were absolutely nothing like the girls in the pictures; I mean, they seemed young but woah - they were definitely on the heavier side - and I'm not fat shaming.
That's just how it was.
So Beano immediately grabs the better looking of the two and heads off to the bedroom.
It was actually only a one bedroom apartment (me and Bean used to share the double bed, whilst Seany slept on a mattress on the floor), so I was left in the living room with Missy Elliots fucking stunt double.
She said I could feel on her titties, but she didn't allow kissing or licking of pussy, which was absolutely fine by me.
I was completely turned off by the whole affair not going according to plan, and sexual frustration or not, I would have been much happier to have relied on internet porno that night instead to get my jollies.
Anyways, she takes off her clothes and I begin feeling on her titties, which leads to other things, and to cut out all the sordid details, we do the dead and show the ladies out.
All together, I'd say they were in and out in less than a half hour - after us paying for an hour. Pfffff....
Feeling thoroughly cheated but more so, completely disgusted with myself, I resolve never to use a backpage or craigslist advert again.
In retrospect, I guess it wasn't completely bad.
I can't say I found the sex particularly pleasant.
Although the blowjob was good cause, as everyone knows, fat chicks can suck a mean dick.
But we had spent a sizable portion of our savings on false advertisement and, certainly felt no better after the experience.
Moral of the story - don't go to New York.