Rev Marvado: My dear brothers and sisters, we are gathered here today before Patricia and the E-I congregation to witness the union of Flyshit and Hot Lizzy in holy matrimony.
E-I marriage is a sacred horny union which enriches sex lives. It binds those who enter it to suffer each other for all eternity, it creates between them a septic bond that endures for life and beyond. It demands that they use and abuse each other at all times and that they accept any idiot offspring which their union may produce and bring them up in accordance with the teachings of E-I.
To help them in their marriage the idiot and the troll receive the life-long grace of this unholy sacrament.
Is this your understanding of E-I marriage?
Flyshit & Liz: jajajajajajajajajajaja errrr yes.
Rev.M: Who gives this troll away?
Bigpaws: I do. As far away as f***ing possible.
Rev. M: Has she come here of her own free will to marry the idiot Flyshit?
Bigpaws: Yes, free will plus the sharp end of a pitch fork up her arse. Excuse my french Reverend.
Rev. M: Before I proceed with the marriage, does anyone know of any legal impediment to this couple being joined as idiot and troll? If so, speak now or forever hold thy peace.
Bigbadjohn: Errrrrr Rev. Mar............................
Bigpaws: Shut the f*** up bbj.
Rev. M: We may then proceed to the declaration of consent. I invite you then to declare before Patricia and her church your consent to become idiot and troll.
Flyshit aka Flypan aka Flyperson aka Fly whatever you are called, do you take Hot Lizzy Hilton as your lawfully wedded troll, for better or worse (more than likely), for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, all the sad days of your life?
Rev. M: You have to say I do Flyshit. Otherwise you don't get to shag her.
Flyshit: jajajajjajaj I do, I do, Ohhh yess I do, Hurry up, I want to shag her.
Rev. M: Hot Lizzy Hilton, do you take Flyshit, Flypan, Flyperson etc etc etc, as your lawfully wedded idiot, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, all the days of your sad life?
Liz: I'm only after the f***ing idiot's money ffs. Do I have to promise all this shit?
Rev M: If you want to get at his money, then yes, I'm afraid you do.
Liz: Oh I suppose I'll just have to then. Just as long as he is'nt a bloody Paddy.
Rev M: No you can rest assured on that score Liz, they would'nt have him.
Liz: How much money does he have....millions?
Rev M: Seems he has a bit plus he's a supporter of Chelsea.
Liz: In that case, yes yes yes.
Rev M: Not yes, I do.
Liz: Sorry I must be having one of my many blond Irish moments.
Rev M: You should say "I do". Do you want me to spell that for you?
Liz: Ok sorry, I do I do I do.
Rev M: What Patricia joins together nobody in their right mind would dare to separate.
Patricia, bless Flyshit and Lizzy and consecrate their married life. May these condoms be a symbol of their horny desire for each other, and a constant reminder of their stupidity.
Flyshit: Lizzy, wear this female condom as a sign of what I am going to do to you every day, so help me God.
Liz: Flyshit, wear this condom as a sign that you are never going to get next or near me without it and if I ever catch you near another slapper, I'll cut your f***ing balls off, so help me God.
Flyshit: I give you this lump of excrement as a token of what I am full of.
Rev M: Then by the power vested in me by Patricia and in the presence of the E-I congregation, I now pronounce you Idiot and Troll. Congratulations.
Flyshit: Can I shag her now?
Rev M: You can perform hardsports on her for all I f***ing care.
Liz: Is his money mine now? Can I finally stop flogging my ass down the high street now?
Rev M: Half of it is yours now. It's up to you how you extract it out of him.
QPH: I must strongly protest at this total abuse of a most sacred and holy rite and the manner in which this woman, and indeed all women in a similar situation are being forced to enter into one sided oppressive relationships by males, who use their worldwide domination and the lure of financial inducements and false promises to undermine and subvert the natural beauty of the male/female relationship, based as it is upon a most basic human desire for......................
Bigpaws: You're too late QPH. They're married. And the church will be locked up in an hour, so you'd better make your speech a short one. Well relatively short anyway.
QPH: the love that nurtures humanity and enables it to bring forth new generations to till the soil and fish the rivers, rather than this travesty and farcical event which cries out to the high heavens to be banned.....and futhermore I want it clearly noted that...
All Exit The Church.
Bigpaws: Turn the lights off when you're finished QPH.