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Thread: Joke

  1. #1
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    Default Joke

    An old one..
    Jesus goes for a walk in downtown Nazareth one Sunday afternoon. He comes across a large commotion in the town square and decides to investigate. As he gets closer he sees a young woman chained to a pillar who is being prepared for a stoning.

    Furious at such a barbaric sight Jesus demands to know what is going on. A town elder steps forward and informs Jesus that the woman is a prostitute and that her crime is worthy of death by stoning. Jesus is getting really pŪssed off at this stage and jumps in front of the young woman to prevent the stoning from going ahead.

    "Have I taught you nothing in my time here" he rants" let he who is without sin cast the first stone." With this a huge murmur goes through the crowd and they start to disperse dropping stones as they go.

    Seeing this Jesus leaves the square with a warm contented glow happy in the knowledge that he has done some good. All of a sudden out of the corner of his eye he sees a huge rock coming from the centre of the crowd which strikes the young woman killing her instantly.

    Jesus screams in anger and rushes to the spot where he saw the rock coming from with nothing but revenge in his mind. At the centre of the crowd he sees a frail old woman, with a smile on her face. Jesus looks at her and says "AH FOR FŕCKS SAKE MA !!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

  2. #2
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    Default Following in the Reigious vein.

    Two nuns are walking down a street in NYC, out of the alley jumps a couple of masked men with guns. They force the nuns into the alley, and well proceed to assault then. The older of the two begins to offer up a prayer to god saying, "Forgive them father, for they know not what they do." The younger of the two replied, "SHUT UP, this one does!

    RETURNING TO THE EMERALD ISLE SHORTLY
    ❤❤❤❤

  3. #3
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    Default say it with flowers

    Sorry!!!! say it with flowers
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  4. #4
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    Default

    A pair of newly weds who had never been intimate before are in the Matrimonial Bedroom and about to undress when the Groom decides he better broach a delicate matter with his naturally nervous new wife...

    Ah dear I should warn you I’m well pretty big down below and well it might make you anxious,

    That OK my love, I’m sure I won’t be shocked but I’ll tell you what you go outside the bedroom door and gradually show me what your packing inch by inch and I’ll be able to accustom myself bit by bit..

    Wow that’s a great idea.... Ok I’ll do that and goes outside the room, gets himself together and says OK you ready?

    Yes dear but remember, nice a slow,

    Here comes...and with just the first four inches slowly lumber into view from behind the door,

    You OK dear?

    Fine, keep it coming

    The next four appear and the wife is impressed but a little anxious ah that’s fine to, keep it coming

    Another four appear to her astonishment but not wanting to upset her husband takes a deep breath and calls for him to come back in and says that its big but she’ll manage.

    With relief in her husbands voice he says, gee honey your the best, but listen do you want me to bring you up anything from the Kitchen while I’m downstairs???,

    To which the wife promptly faints...

  5. #5
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Quarterpoundher View Post
    A pair of newly weds who had never been intimate before are in the Matrimonial Bedroom and about to undress when the Groom decides he better broach a delicate matter with his naturally nervous new wife...

    Ah dear I should warn you Iím well pretty big down below and well it might make you anxious,

    That OK my love, Iím sure I wonít be shocked but Iíll tell you what you go outside the bedroom door and gradually show me what your packing inch by inch and Iíll be able to accustom myself bit by bit..

    Wow thatís a great idea.... Ok Iíll do that and goes outside the room, gets himself together and says OK you ready?

    Yes dear but remember, nice a slow,

    Here comes...and with just the first four inches slowly lumber into view from behind the door,

    You OK dear?

    Fine, keep it coming

    The next four appear and the wife is impressed but a little anxious ah thatís fine to, keep it coming

    Another four appear to her astonishment but not wanting to upset her husband takes a deep breath and calls for him to come back in and says that its big but sheíll manage.

    With relief in her husbands voice he says, gee honey your the best, but listen do you want me to bring you up anything from the Kitchen while Iím downstairs???,

    To which the wife promptly faints...

    First time oral... Then she breaks it... who said it only has one use??
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  6. #6
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    Default Irelands greatest inventions…

    An inflatable dartboard

    A chocolate kettle

    A soluble life-raft

    A self-righting aspirin

    A solar-powered torch



    Ps

    Those Cartoons are gas…

  7. #7
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    Default northside

    2 Northsiders riding along the Ballybollix Road on a motorbike.
    They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops
    to see if he can help and the Northsiders ask him for a lift. He tells
    them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

    Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
    Northsiders he has to leave.

    "Aah Jaysus" they say "gissa lift".

    The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is
    carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Northsiders put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

    They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

    Sure enough Garda Murphy pulls him up for speeding. The good
    officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies "Northsider Eggs".

    The Garda obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.
    He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

    He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many
    officers as possible.

    The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many
    officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Northsider eggs in it - 2 have
    already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already".

  8. #8
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    Default Anal

    A good argument for anal sex....
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  9. #9
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    Default

    Paddy hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

    In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

    So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

    The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

    She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".


    Ps
    The Northsider’s one cracked me up…and as for the thumb above....I'm Thinkin', I'm Thinkin' !!!

  10. #10
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    Default The E-I Christmas party

    When Big paws & Ber met Patricia.....
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