Filthy joke zone

[CoolJay]

Disclaimer : Jokes are jokes if you get easily offended don't come onto this thread. It's not that bad

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[CoolJay]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

[CoolJay]

The Erecterius Trouserius or the Trouser Snake is one of the world's most dangerous snake.
Color varies from pink to black. While it is perhaps the shortest known species and fangless,
its highly venomous spit can cause prolonged swelling lasting nine months.

It usually appears in bedrooms, but also found in unusual places at times. Normally attacks
women in the lower part of the abdominal area, but it also has been known to attack men from
behind. Beware!!!

[CoolJay]

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

She nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.

She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.

The blonde was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.

It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!

[CoolJay]

Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.

One Thursday Anne says, "There's this thing, when I go down on my John, his balls are always cold."

Funny you should say that", says Mary. "my Franks balls are always cold too".

"EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH" says Nancy, "that's disgusting. How can you both do that?"

So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.

The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive.

In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.

"What happened to you?" Asks her two friends.

"Mike hit me." Came the reply.

"Why?" asked the girls.

"I don't know", says Nancy, "I was giving him head like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren't cold like Frank's and John's."

[CoolJay]

A family went to the zoo one day. As they stopped at the Elephant display, the father left to use the bathrooms. While he was gone, the little girl asks the mother, "Mamma, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mother replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, mamma, that other thing"

The mother says, "Oh, that's his tail."

"NOOO, mamma, that OTHER thing!"

The mother notices the child is pointing at the elephants penis. She replies to her, "Oh, that's nothing."

Later on, the family comes back by the elephant display and the mother goes to the bathrooms at this time. The little girl saw an opportunity and asked her father, "Papa, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

He explains, "That's his trunk."

"No, Papa, that other thing."

He said, "Oh that's his tail."

By this time the little girl is quite frustrated and replies, "NOOOO Papa, that OTHER thing!"

He notices she is pointing to his penis and replies, "Oh that's his penis."

The child said, "But Papa, Momma said that's nothing."

The father looks at his daughter with a smile and replies, "That's cause your Mamma's spoiled."

[CoolJay]

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine.

At the first taste she says; "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.

At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.

Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!"

And the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

[CoolJay]

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself

[Clyde]

Q: Who makes more money a drug dealer or an Escort?

A: An Escort because she can wash her crack and reuse it.

[CoolJay]

This bloke picks up a hooker and goes up to her room, peels all her clothes off,
lays her down on the bed then proceeds eagerly to eat her out. At one stage he
stuck his tongue in to the hilt and suddenly pulled his face out of her cunt and spat
a bit of cabbage into his hand. He started at it for a few seconds, shrugged his
shoulders and thought "What the fuck, not that strange," and went right back to
the task at mouth.
Well he brought her off several times as well as himself. A couple more times he
repeated the tongue right in bit and again was rewarded with the odd bit of refuse.
As he was leaving, out of sheer curiosity he turned around and asked her, "Hey,
have you been sick lately?"
She said, "No, but the fellas before you were!"