Patriciaparis

A woman writes to her Office IT Technical support:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the Flower And Jewelry Applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and FOOTBALL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate House Wife



Reply


Dear Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me.EXE and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Out Of The House 6.1.

Please note that Out Of The House 6.1. is a very bad program that will download the PROBLEM WILL SOON START.EXE

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law.EXE (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 Program.. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.


Good Luck Madam!



INSTALLING WIFE 1.0 !!!



A man writes to his Office System Analyst :



Dear System Analyst:


I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as 'Boys' Night out 2.5' and 'Golf 5.3' no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected 'Saturday Rugby 6.3' always fails and 'Saturday Shopping 7.1' runs instead. I cannot seem to keep 'Wife 1.0' in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline. I am thinking of going back to 'Girlfriend 7.0', but uninstall option doesn't work on this program!!. Can you please help?

....And this is what our analyst said:


Dear Customer,



This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the 'Wife 1.0' program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to uninstall Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees pages). I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.....C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.


It may be necessary to run C:\APOLOGIZE\FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal. Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as 'Flowers 2.0' and 'Chocolates 5.0' or 'HUGS\KISSES 600.0' or or "TENDERNESS\UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even 'Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1' (assuming Child Processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install 'Secretary 2.1' (especially Short Skirt Version) or 'One Nightstand 3.2' (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH. BEST WISHES.


Yours, System Analyst