Joke of the day

[royaler]

Subject: FW: Shopping at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farted.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and
prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind
her. Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like
Tiffany's, he politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little
'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

[Forrest]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that
he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking
out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls
it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's bound to be strings attached.

[Forrest]

The young American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test
the French male's fabled expertise in the art of love-making.
On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.
"First," he replied, "I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed.
And zen," he added triumphantly, "I will kiss ze navel."
"Big deal !!!" she said. "I've had my navel kissed before hundreds of times."
"Ahhhhh, but of course" shrugged the Frenchman. "But..... from ze inside?"

[69patrick69]

Two blonde carpenters were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective.
If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[Forrest]

I knew this guy who had been feeling sick for quite sometime now
I had been telling him to go see a doctor and because his situation was getting so bad he eventually decided to go.

He went into the doctors room sat down and was told that he had some sort of rare intestinal virus. He was subscribed
with suppositries and told to take two a day. The doctor said he would give him the first one.

Once we got back to his house I had a few beers and left then it was time for his next one so he asked his wife
if she could do it. So she put her hand on his shoulder and thrusted the supositry into his ass.

He screamed and his wife said "What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?"

He said "No - I just realised the doctor had both hands on my shoulders!!!"

[Forrest]

Alex Ferguson substituted Wayne Rooney during a recent match.

It's not the first time Rooney has been pulled off by a 69 year old.

[royaler]

Elderly couple - Claude and Maude
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off.'

[skywalker85]

Paddy & Mick are at the morgue
to identify Shamus's body thats badly burnt.
Paddy goes to take a look 1st, he
turns the body over, looks at his bum
and says ''Thats not Shamus!'' Mick
goes next, he turns the body over, looks
at the bum & also says ''Thats not Shamus.''
The Doctor asks,'' How do you know it not him?
Mick says, '' Beacuse when wee all used to go
out , people would say, ''Here comes Shamus
with the two arseholes!''.

[Forrest]

A man walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waves the waiter over.
"I want to see the cocksucking motherfucking boss now!". Naturally the waiter is a bit
taken aback and says:"Would you please refrain from from using that kind of language
in here sir. I’ll get the manager as soon as I can."

When the manager comes over the bloke greets him with:" Are you the chicken fucking
manager of this bastarding joint?"
"Yes sir I am but I would prefer it if you did not use that kind of language in this restaurant.
There are respectable guests dining here."
The bloke retorts:"Screw you anus features. Where’s the fucking piano?"
The manager is a bit puzzled and the asks the man to explain himself.
"You stupid smelly dickhead are you fucking deaf or what? Where’s the twatting piano?"
"Ah", says the manager, "you’ve come about the pianist job we advertised in the paper."
"Too fucking right", came the reply.
The manager takes him over to the piano but begs him not to speak into the microphone. "Can you play any blues?"
The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. "That’s superb", gasps the manager. "What’s it called?"
"I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob-end"
The manager is a little perturbed. "Hmmm....well do you know any jazz?"
The man plays the most melancholy piece of jazz the manager has ever heard.
"What’s it called?"
"I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder drawer".
The manager is now a tad embarrassed. "Well do you know any romantic ballads?"
The bloke plays the most heart wrenching melody ever. "That was fantastic", crooned the manager.
"What’s that one called?", immediately wishing that he hadn’t asked.
"Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring piece".

The manager finds the pianist’s language totally repulsive but he is so moved by his music that
he hires him on condition that he never introduces his songs. He agrees, and the arrangement
goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks. Until one night when the pianist sneaks off for a wank.
He nips off to the staff toilets, grits his teeth and starts buffing his banana. Just as he is coming
he hears the manager shouting "Where the fuck is that pianist". So he whips up his trousers and
returns to the piano and starts to play some more tunes.

After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers: "Do you know your bollocks
and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling come all over your shoes?"

"Know it", replied the pianist, "I fucking wrote it!!"

[harry10]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic man then says, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well….?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24″ waist and 34″ hips. When she walks into a room, people say, “Oh – My – God.”