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Thread: Funniest Reviews

  1. #21
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    Not sure if this can be called a funny one, but made me laugh...
    REVIEW


  2. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by UKHeather View Post
    That's the one! They crack me up
    just reading some of his now and i've managed to nearly choke on my dinner! the guy is brilliant!

  3. #23

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    A lighthouse of lust in a stormy sea.
    Description: Leticia has chopped off her long hair and now has a bob cut.

    At the risk of creating unreasonably high expectations, I thought she vaguely resembled the Brazilian model Raica Oliveira. Obviously, Leticia is a bit shorter ... and her hair is black ... and her bone structure is slightly different ... and her tits are a bit smaller – I didn't say they were twins!
    Comments: It was Sunday. I tip-toed up to the front door and quietly slipped inside.

    This was Leticia's first day and I was her first client. She was remarkably clean and fragrant: her breath was fresh like mountain air & her fanny smelt of cherry blossom; you could use her minge juice to top up your Airwick Diffuser.

    On all previous visits, I've used the larger bedroom, so today I tried the smaller one. It was nice & cosy with subdued lighting that proved ideal for an intimate encounter. I was just studying the label on a pillow when the door opened and Leticia walked in. My innards tightened. She had it all: the beauty, the body, the attitude - she was the perfect package.

    We had a brief kiss, and then I stood behind her and pulled her babydoll garment over her head. I reached around and played with her tits. She slipped her hands behind her back and, with the dexterity of Houdini, unbuckled my belt, unzipped my jeans and slipped her hands inside my pants.

    We moved to the bed and made out. We did some light French kissing and then she kissed my neck and licked my ears, first on the left hand side and then on the right. Her breath was so hot it could singe hairs and melt earwax. I was squirming with pleasure.

    She moved down and sucked my nipples as she raked her nails down my chest, down my thighs, then all the way back up again. She treated me to some wonderful OWO and licked my scrotum. After about 8 minutes, I felt the cork was ready to pop, so we moved on to intercourse. We rubbed against each other like two tectonic plates. Usually Usually I am a lazy lover, but today I was spurred on to excellence and it didn't take long to finish.

    Leticia provides the type of service I love: a gentle-yet-focused GFE with minimal chatter and maximum eroticism. Afterwards, we had a friendly natter. Did we click? Oh yes, like a couple of Geiger counters in Fukushima.

    Even with the absence of DFK, I'd rate this as my punt of the year so far. In fact, it was so good I hurried home, found a bottle of hand cream and indulged in the joy of recollection.






    The door handle had four countersunk screws.
    Description: Kimora looked oriental but sounded Mancunian. She was a sort of Moriental, if you will. Her sweet disposition was definitely from the Far East. And I was thrilled to bits with her perky tits.
    Comments: Kimora burst into the room with a smile so bright it could advance the season from winter to spring.

    We started with a kiss and cuddle while standing. Then she turned around and rubbed her bum into my groin. I brushed aside her long hair, kissed her neck and slipped my left hand inside her bra. I moved my right hand down to her knickers. I could tell from the texture that it was a man-made material with a close weave, and I could also tell that she was fully shaved. I moved my hand back up to her smooth stomach before slipping it inside her knickers, down around the bend, until my middle finger found its way into the welcoming warmth of her honeymoon passage.

    She turned her head and kissed me. Her small, pink tongue was, at first, as shy as a virgin at a swingers club, but as time passed, it became more inquisitive. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, she performed a judo move on me and I felt myself falling backwards onto the bed. She bounced on top of me and somehow her left nipple ended up in my mouth.

    After a good suck, she pulled down my trousers and licked my shaft. She also licked my balls, which made me go all cross-eyed.

    The American comedian Sam Kinison once commented that blowjobs are like snowflakes - each one is slightly different. In Kimora's case, this was quite true. She slipped on a cover and took me into her mouth. She employed a technique which, to date, is unique. Perhaps it is an oriental secret that is passed down from Madam to Courtesan in return for a cigarette and a chocolate finger. Anyhow, Kimora bobbed her head up and down for 5 strokes, then rested for a second, then bobbed her head up and down for another 5 strokes, then rested for a second. This staccato pattern had the effect of advancing my arousal level 5 steps forward and one step back, so that my feelings of excitement grew slowly, building and building. She employed the same technique when she was bouncing up and down in Cowgirl, and again when she was finishing me off by hand. This technique was most effective when I was approaching the end-zone, as I ended up absolutely gasping for her to give me a sustained flurry to finish me off. When I finally came, I spurted like a severed artery.

    A lovely girl. A lovely punt. If I had a tail, I would have wagged it.
    Recommended: Yes
    Would You Return: Yes




    Curvy, wurvy, and delightfully pervy!
    Comments: It was Saturday night. I'd been drinking whisky and eating dried mushrooms. I fell asleep and dreamed I was in a parlour. Lucia was holding a banjo, plucking the intro to Ram Jam's "Black Betty". Simon Pegg was sat at the drums and started marking time on the hi-hat. I plugged in a Gibson Les Paul and hit a couple of power chords. Simone, Nina and Isobel locked arms and started doing high kicks. Jenny Agutter walked in dressed like a St Trianian's schoolgirl with pigtails. She took a long drag of her fag before flicking it across the room. She curled her lip into a snarl and belted out the words:

    Whoa-o, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam,
    Whoa-o, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam.
    Black betty had a child,
    Bam-ba-lam, the damn thing gone wild.
    Etc Etc.

    The walls of the parlour fell away and we were in a stadium surrounded by 80 thousand screaming fans ... which mutated into spiders that crept towards me with evil intent.

    After a restless night's sleep, I drove to MK unaware of the fate that lay ahead of me.

    Lucia walked into the room dressed in a PVC outfit with leather boots. She immediately squeezed my cock through my trousers and gave me a fullfat snog. I unbuttoned my trousers and they fell to the floor. Lucia bent down and munched my cock through my boxer shorts. Then she turned round and rubbed her arse against my pole - teasing me like a lapdancer. She bent so far over I could see her pinks bits winking at me.

    She pulled my shorts down and positioned me near the mirror so I had a choice of views as she licked my ball-bag and sucked my cock. She dragged me onto the bed where she performed a series of X-rated sex acts that you'll never read about in a parish magazine. She lubed up a pink vibrator (covered) and buzzed it around my anus. It was ticklish, so I giggled. A few moments later, she lubed up her finger (covered) and inserted it into my rectum. I could feel it probing around, which was quite nice. Once my sphincter had relaxed, she lubed up a butt-plug (covered), held it against her groin and pushed it back and forth using her hips, fucking my ass. It felt like my initiation ceremony at private school.

    On with a cover and straight into doggy. We've all seen those porno clips where the girl gyrates her hips as she moves back and forth on your cock. That's exactly what I was treated to. And she gave me a cat-o-nine-tails and I whipped her ass until it began to blush.

    We finished with a BJ that brought me to within 20 seconds of spurting, and then she gave me a slow handjob. My body tensed, my knees trembled, and suddenly, with a whoosh and a splat, a teaspoon of wallpaper paste flew threw the air and landed on my shoulder. What a climax!

    In summary: This was a nerve-tingling, porn-star extravaganza! It's just a shame we didn't film it, as it was top-shelf quality.
    Last edited by lucy chambers; 30-06-11 at 18:03.
    If life gives you lemons ask for Tequila

    Only sad bastards seek gratification from signatures

  4. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Lucy Chambers For This Useful Post:

    pforce (30-06-11), English Nina (30-06-11), wolfie (30-06-11)

  5. #24
    Irish Sandra Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by lucy chambers View Post
    I just read a review that made me laugh for ages. I think we should have a comp to find the funniest review. I would need to do some more looking but up to now here are my entries so far-

    "just robbed well first she pulled my cock like it was the head of a chicken that she wanted to kill for dinner i got so fed up of that i decided that i better get the ride before she pulls the poor fucker off''..

    Dogrider 2010

    And of course the Infamous James Cork/Joanne review

    https://www.escort-ireland.com/escor...le-escort.html
    Who thinks James Cork and Joanne shud get a room ! they obviously mad for each other ! Haha... Priceless...

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Irish Sandra For This Useful Post:

    hd7055 (30-06-11), Lucy Chambers (30-06-11)

  7. #25

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    Her Place: The bathroom extractor fan was a Greenwood Airvac - perfect for when things get steamy.
    Description: Voluptuous Italian girl. Hair as black as a Raven's eye.
    Comments: Modern technology is wonderful: one minute I'm sat at my PC scrutinizing photos of Karolina, an hour later I'm stood in front of a mirror squeezing her tits. I love punting!

    She kissed me lightly and, with a conjuror's sleight of hand, she unbuckled my belt and slid down my trousers. She rubbed my bulge and raised an eyebrow; when she pulled down my boxer shorts, she raised the other!

    She gripped my big veiny cock and shoved it in her mouth. She gave a splendid blowjob: Karolina does not have a gag reflex - she can take up to 6 inches into her mouth, at which point your bell-end will be nestled against her tonsils. After a generous helping of OWO and scrotum licking, she spread her legs and said, "Lick me down there, lick my butterfly." I kissed her belly and snaked my tongue southward. She was dry when I started, but wet when I'd finished. I eased a finger into her fanny - it was as slippery as Silvio Burlusconi. I licked her until she was sated.

    We tried Cow Girl, dabbled with Mish, and then moved onto Jockey. I think she liked this position because she squirmed around like a Mini Cooper with torque steer. "Oooh baby, fuck me. Fuck me hard and cum inside me quickly, cos I'm tired." We chuckled at that one.

    I gave her another 2 minutes of spasmodic prodding before moving onto a blowjob. With her open mouth positioned one inch above my cock, she wanked me till I squirted. "Mmm," she cooed, "tastes good!"

    As we got dressed we chatted briefly about Italian opera and the water quality in Venice.

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to pforce For This Useful Post:

    Fitzy (30-06-11)

  9. #26

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    Quote Originally Posted by wingman View Post
    Jesus Lucy, where do you get these? This man is the Oscar Wilde of the punting world.
    A Place That Shall Remain Nameless


    punternet
    If life gives you lemons ask for Tequila

    Only sad bastards seek gratification from signatures

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  11. #27
    Irish Sandra Guest

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lincoln View Post
    This one by the silver-tongued prince Dingdong cracked me up:

    https://www.escort-ireland.com/6460/Kelly/review.html
    I dont ride hookers ! and den he kept 3 euro for his Hang Sandwich, ! Oh man...lol..x

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    Lincoln (30-06-11)

  13. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by IrishAmyxxx View Post
    I dont ride hookers ! and den he kept 3 euro for his Hang Sandwich, ! Oh man...lol..x
    what I find hard to understand is where would you get a hang sandwich for 3 euro? that's some value right there! my local deli its 4.50 minimum!

  14. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by pforce View Post
    what I find hard to understand is where would you get a hang sandwich for 3 euro? that's some value right there! my local deli its 4.50 minimum!
    Jaysus I can get a paninnie and a can of coke for that
    Join the E-I Fantasy Football League

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  15. #30

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    Quote Originally Posted by Doozer View Post
    Jaysus I can get a paninnie and a can of coke for that
    Thats becuase you live in Limerick. In the first world its 5 euro.
    If life gives you lemons ask for Tequila

    Only sad bastards seek gratification from signatures

  16. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Lucy Chambers For This Useful Post:

    hd7055 (30-06-11), Lincoln (30-06-11)

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