Reading The Signs

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The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS." Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.

1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin

5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote

7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan

8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"

13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed

14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue

15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

20. Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot

21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

22. Changes tables - Nymphomaniac

23. Drinks Decaffeinated. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money

26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex

27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters

30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

31. Under tips waiter - Small penis

32. Under tips parking valet - Small penis

33. Under tips cabby - Small penis

34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

36. Cellular phone in car - Penile implant