While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!
Ways To Piss Off A Cop :
When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. .. or
Refer to him by his first name.
Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball.
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood.
After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
Chew on the pen, nervously.
Clean your ear with the pen.
If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Or mumble to yourself.
When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin' about man?
When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it.
When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing.
Turn your head and whistle.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer.
Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid".
Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding.
If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby".
Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like "Tinkerbelle" should work nicely.
Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?"
Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???"
When the cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking?". Reply with "Your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?"
When he asks for your license, say "You're not gonna check my saddlebags, are ya?"
Ask him if he has a brother named Barney.
When he asks for your license, say "I would...but the last cop that asked me for my license didn't give it back!"
After he gives you your ticket, tell him/her "OOOHHHyyaaa My dog came home happy last night. How much do I owe ya?"
After he writes you the ticket, ask him for directions to the nearest donut shop.
When asked if you know why he pulled you over, say "Because you thought I had donuts on me?"
When the cop asks you why you didn't stop right away, just tell him, "I wasn't sure if the flashing lights behind me were a cop or if it was just the acid kicking in."
These are funny as Keep them all coming