Funny one liners ....

[Rodney69]

the 2 highlighted my favs...


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe
that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept
thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an
erection...but she did

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "F*ck that" says Mick"
have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do
you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my
leg"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she
was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the
foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change
dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would
like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[ksteve]

Fantastic Sir, I have tears running down my face. I like the cow one !

[mart]

lolol brilliant i needed a wee laugh thanks ..love the dentist and cow ones.

[john connor]

very good writing a few of these down

[Sam Spade]

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.