Job Application

[Forrest]

Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I theenk I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole seam to respond to me well, ax anyone.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job no problem. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you theenk that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pitcher of me taken at mi last jobb.













......... It's OK honey, we've got spell check.........when can you start?????

[anon361]

Job Application



This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him
because he was so honest and funny!



NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But
seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I
wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.

[Forrest]

Boss: (to employee) - "Experts say humour on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, so Knock, Knock."

Employee: "Who's there?"

Boss: "Not you anymore, Asshole"

----------------------------------------

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she
is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my ass coming into work today."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. Why did the executive hire the prostitute to be his secretary?
A. On her application, where it said 'last position', she wrote 'doggie style'

[kelso]

Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.












......... It's OK honey, we've got spell check.........when can you start?????

ohh u are sooo hired!

[Forrest]

A young man was applying for a job in a big company.
"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed. We have more employees now than we really need."
"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged. "The little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway."



My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly" I replied.


I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face'
didn't mean what I thought it did!!!

[dark-knight]

Tom rang his boss one morning " Sorry I won't be in today I am sick" he said. His boss replied " you don't sound sick, how sick are you?". Tom replied " I am in bed with my sister, how sick is that".

[Morpheus]

Now why can't I get a secretary that looks like that????

Actually on second thought, I thank my stars she isn't my secretary as I wouldn't get any work done and would have lost my job by now! Either that or I'd be in jail for sexual harrassment!

[Forrest]

Now why can't I get a secretary that looks like that????

Actually on second thought, I thank my stars she isn't my secretary as I wouldn't get any work done and would have lost my job by now! Either that or I'd be in jail for sexual harrassment!

I had a secretary like that once upon a time.




Screwed me for every penny I had.







But man was it worth it!!!

[Forrest]

Quotes Taken from actual work performance evaluations:
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young man has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

[dub1]

Deer Sir,
I wanna apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I theenk I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole seam to respond to me well, ax anyone.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job no problem. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you theenk that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pitcher of me taken at mi last jobb.













......... It's OK honey, we've got spell check.........when can you start?????

Nice one Forresstt the place would be dull without u on board