Transcript of secret mod meeting

[Mousey]

A transcript of a secret meeting by the E-I management, as overheard by Mousey last night in the cold, dank depths of the Patcave.


NICOLE
Doozer, I'm horny. I'm always horny, you know. Horny horny horny.

DOOZER
I just came in for my two hundred and fifty quid. Besides, you're a bloke!

NICOLE
I'm still horny...

DOOZER
Forget it.

PATRICIA
Hello, everyone, and welcome to this month's management meeting. Remember, we call ourselves managers of the site to make ourselves sound like professionals, like doctors or stockbrokers, so make sure none of you refer to yourselves as "prostitution-enablers" or anything like that, or we might end up in the clink. Now, I'll take a roll-call. Samlad?

SAMLAD
Here!

PATRICIA
Ah, eager as always. Doozer?

DOOZER
Here!

PATRICIA
Nicole?

NICOLE
Here. And horrrrrny.

PATRICIA
Put it back in your pants, Nick. Jackie?

VAMPIREJACKIE
Sorry, I'm a bit late today. I was at a swingers party last night. I'm a swinger, you know. I swing. Did I mention I swing?

PATRICIA
Yes.

JACKIE
Oh. It's just that - well, I find it makes the punters more empathetic towards me on the boards if they think I might be up for it.

NICOLE
I'm up for it. I love sex. I'm always horrrrny.

DOOZER
Is tehre such a word as empatehtic?

PATRICIA
It doesn't matter. Now look, what are we going to do about the boards? Things are heating up - there have been several bannings and there are rumblings of discontent amongst the regular posters, who are, after all, the lifeblood of our community. What's going on?

SAMLAD
Don't worry, boss, they'll fall into line. The bannings will continue until morale improves.

JACKIE
They must learn to respect our authority over them! Ban ban ban!

DOOZER
Tehre seems to be a perception taht we don't get satire. Is taht true?

NICOLE
Huh?

JACKIE
What?

SAMLAD
Come again?

DOOZER
Uh, satire. Sat-eye-errrrr. It's a real word. A form of comedy, apparently. It's in teh dictionary.

JACKIE
I don't know what it means, but I probably don't like this "satire". It's like people trying to be funny on the boards; If I see anyone being satirical, I'll ban them.

SAMLAD
Me too.

NICOLE
I'd like to be satirised right here, right now, all over my wet lips.

PATRICIA
It's great to boss people around, eve if it is on the Internet. But what about if the punters find the posts amusing, and we don't? With our wildly varying personal tastes in humour, how can we enforce a consistent standard of moderation?

SAMLAD
What? Are you suggesting that we mods don't have a consistent sense of humour? We like humour. We can be funny. We're normal people too, you know. Just because we've all taken jobs on "Escort Ireland" with all the moral quandaries that it might entail to another person doesn't mean we're not unemployable weirdoes who can't get proper jobs in real life. Besides, it's the Internet. If the punters knew I was a cross-eyed alcoholic hunchback with a criminal record they'd lose all respect for my position as a mod.

JACKIE
Yes. We must continue to exercise total moral authority. Is this meeting going to go on much longer? Only I'm supposed to be going swinging later and I have some people to ban.

PATRICIA
Not much longer. One last question. What are we going to do about Mousey? I've been watching him and it's only a matter of time before he starts an inane thread trying to take the piss out of us all.

JACKIE
That smug little shit. One day he'll slip up, and then I'll ban him.

SAMLAD
Not if I ban him first. I hate people who are smarter than me.

PATRICIA
Very well. All of us keep an extra special eye on the Mouse. Any further business?

NICOLE
Will someone have sex with me?

PATRICIA
This meeting is adjourned.

************************************