Married Bliss

[Forrest]

A married couple is discussing why their marriage is in rut.
They decide that like many married people, it’s because they never go out and have fun anymore.
“Let’s go out and have a good time tonight,” the wife says finally.
“Okay,” the husband replies. “But if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.”
................................................................................ .....................................

A woman got home after a shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a stunning young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband jumped up and stopped her with this story.

“Before you do anything, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this girl, looking poor and tired, and I offered her a ride,”
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the lobster you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes you no longer wear because they are out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her that new Christmas sweater you never wore because you did not like the style.
Her slacks were worn, so I gave her a pair of yours that you do not fit into anymore.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”

[Forrest]

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and
asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up.
After the doctor finishes examining Freda,
he takes Lionel aside and says,
"I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel,
"but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."

[Forrest]

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife,
"Honey, I got a new secretary, and imagine what happened!
She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colours
of my favourite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."
The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"
The man say, "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties.
You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"
The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife,
"And what happened today in your office, honey?"
She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today.
His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

[Forrest]

Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

[Forrest]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'"

"OH, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

[Forrest]

A middle-aged man was told at the hospital that he had only 24 hours to live.
He went home in a state of shock and fell into his wife's arms.
"I've been told I've only got 24 hours to live," he said. "Can we have sex one last time?"
"Of course, honey," she said, and they went to bed.
Four hours later, he turned to her and said: "Could we have sex again? I've only got 20 hours to live.
It will probably be our last chance." "Sure, honey," replied his wife and they had sex.
Eight hours later, he asked her. "Do you think we could have sex one more time?
After all, I've only got 12 hours to live." "OK," said the wife and they had sex.
Four hours later, he nudged her in bed. "I just realized I've only got eight hours to live.
Could we have sex one last time?" "Very well," she sighed. "It's the least I can do in the circumstances".
Four hours later, he woke her again. "I've only got fours to live.
Would you mind if we had sex just one more time, our final act of love?"
This was too much for the wife. "Listen," she snapped, "you may not have to get up in the morning, but I do!"

[Sam Spade]

As a married man I had to stop reading the jokes half way through.

Yes they are very funny, I just though they were too real - that was the problem.

Is my life funny?
No, but perhaps thats where the problem lies and which is why we love these jokes so much.

[Forrest]

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

- Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

- Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.

- A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife that a fur coat will make her look fat.

- A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.

- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough.

- My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk.

[Forrest]

Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Few women admit their age; few men act it.

[Forrest]

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'