Married Bliss

[Forrest]

Marriage is an attempt to turn a night owl into a homing pigeon!


A man was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barman said, "It's actually really romantic."
"Oh, yeah?" replied the guy. "Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and
she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl."



A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his grumpy wife
waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, to be honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."

[Forrest]

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have,
she'll go, "I still remember that time when you ...."

[Forrest]

Wife: "Have you ever been to a brothel?"
Me: "Don't be stupid, of course I haven't"
Wife: "Is that because you love me so much?"
Me: "No, you spend all my fucking money before I get a chance"


Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.


A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had
given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis in my wrist."

[Forrest]

A young guy was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.
He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that "...when you
first get married, you want it all the time... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older,
you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have
it once a year... maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather,
"Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom,
and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Fuck You', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.'

[Forrest]

Whenever my wife goes out she always
draws the curtains before she leaves.
Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.


Things are bad at home.
The wife says she is sick of me!
Football, Rugby, Cricket, always sport on the telly.
Anyway, I booked a quiet table for two last night
to try and patch things up.
By 9 o'clock, things were ten times worse!
She hadn't potted a single red ...........

[Forrest]

What a load of boll**ks it is about women being able to "Multi task"
I've just told my missus to "Sit down and shut up"...
Can she do it ?.....can she fu*k!!!


Went dogging with the wife last night.
By the time she parked the car everyone had fu*ked off.

[Forrest]

My wife was moaning about how she always
seems to be vacuum cleaning the house.
"Well take a break" I said,
"There is plenty of ironing to do".

[Forrest]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because
I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[Forrest]

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tyre
alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help.
The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd
wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt
collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt.
Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tyres... maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too.
If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tyre ought to be changed,
I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."

[Forrest]

Love and marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for two in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is a take away curry

Love is cuddling on the sofa
Marriage is one of them sleeping on the sofa

In love, you go to bed early
In marriage, you go to sleep early

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take
The husband gives and the wife takes