Probably enough here to offend everybody

[Monkeynut]

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas& a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that you ugly bitch!'

I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion on this please. Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, please pay me a compliment." He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'