Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19

Thread: Probably enough here to offend everybody

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    France and Ireland
    Posts
    2,938
    Reviews
    22

    Smile Probably enough here to offend everybody

    I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas& a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

    I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

    A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

    Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that you ugly bitch!'

    I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion on this please. Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

    Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


    A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, please pay me a compliment." He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

    Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

    An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

  2. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Monkeynut For This Useful Post:

    Alana (31-08-10), benin (02-09-10), dancarter (31-08-10), Dirty Harry (31-08-10), fishermansoul (01-09-10), JAMESCORK (02-09-10), kelso (31-08-10), mature abby (01-09-10), scotus (31-08-10), wanted the best 69 (31-08-10)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    5,354

    Default

    You have the EI office in stictches here!

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Location
    Look behind you
    Posts
    16,654

    Default

    Bloody excellent.
    If life gives you lemons ask for Tequila

    Only sad bastards seek gratification from signatures

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    31,794

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Monkeynut View Post
    I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas& a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.. I told him 'I wish I had your will power'

    I got fired on my first day as a masseur today. Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

    A fat bird served me food in McDonald's at lunch time; she said 'sorry about the wait'. I said 'don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually'

    Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself 'she'll be lucky with a face like that you ugly bitch!'

    I have a new chat up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner and I always end up in bed with them. Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion on this please. Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

    Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!


    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

    Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex. Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching?' Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'


    A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, please pay me a compliment." He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

    Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

    An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
    Crikey! A bit close to the bone, those ones fella!

  6. Default

    them jokes are wel funny haha

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    all over.
    Posts
    746

    Default

    lol, nice mix there Monkeynut x

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Baker St.
    Posts
    162

    Default

    "Thats a Cracker" fer sure ----- but nuffin remotely offensive there Munky. Plenty of originals to my ears.Ta.

  9. #8
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    dublin
    Posts
    346
    Reviews
    13

    Default

    Great jokes but I'm feeling guilty laughing at them.

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    where ever i may roam
    Posts
    4,872
    Reviews
    24

    Default

    brilliant

  11. #10

    Default

    class act man!!

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •