Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

my wife left me 12years ago because she thought i dwelled too much in the past.

[Dirty Harry]

a yank taking scuba diving lessons in kerry asked the instructor why do you have to fall backwards and the instructor says well if you fall forward you would still be in the boat.

[royaler]

During the riots in London a couple of weeks ago, Paddy was arrested after he was caught running away with a Chicken Tikka Masala - seems he was confused after the call went around to rob Currys!!

[Forrest]

[SIZE=5][B]The 100% Conodrum
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.

Great minds think alike, Royaler.

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[Dirty Harry]

i was walking by paddy powers this morning when i saw a sign on the window saying open tomorrow 7-2 so i went in and put a fiver on it.

[Ric Hardgear]

The 100% Conodrum
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.


It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.


This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

genius royler,pure genius,....going to use that .....thanks

[Forrest]

Nick Helm won an award for the best joke of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2011.

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

[Forrest]

genius royler,pure genius,....going to use that .....thanks

Were you sleeping when I first posted this a few months ago, Ricky.

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I thought you stalked me, the way I stalk you.

[69patrick69]

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lotto."

That night the blonde dreams she wins the lotto.
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
The next day she prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good Servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a fucking ticket."

[royaler]

Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
)
) Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some
) on
) sale, he bought them and wore them home.
)
) Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
) 'Notice
) anything different about me?'
)
) Margaret looked him over.. 'Nope.'
)
) Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
) back
) into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
)
) Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
) different NOW?'
)
) Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
) hanging down
) today , it was hanging down yesterday , it'll be hanging down again
) tomorrow !'
)
) Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
) MARGARET?'
)
) 'Nope', she replied.
)
) 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
)
) Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,'Shoulda bought a
) hat,
) Bert.
) Shoulda bought a hat.'