Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator,seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fucking fortune on batteries..............

[Dirty Harry]

paddy the electrician..got sacked from H.M. prison service for refusing to repair the electric chair,. he said that in his opinion it was a fucking death trap.....

[Forrest]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

[mr maxi]

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".
They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought, fu*k it, I could win this.

[lukas]

very interesting and thanks for sharing

[mr maxi]

An Irishman, an Englishman, a hot blonde and a fat chick get on the
subway.
They go into a tunnel and the lights go out, and suddenly they all hear a loud slap.

When the lights come on, the Englishman has a big red handprint on his
face.

The blonde thinks: "Oh, the Englishman must have made a move for me, but
fondled that fat woman by mistake and she slapped him."

The fat woman thinks: "Hmm, that Englishman tried to put the moves on
that blonde and got slapped. Good for her."

The Englishman thinks: "Hey, that Irishman must have went for the blonde, and
she slapped me by mistake!"

The Irishman thinks: "Boy, I hope we go through another tunnel, so I can
wallop that English fu*ker again".

Its great to be Irish.

[Forrest]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

____________________________________________________________________________

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[Forrest]

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"

[dr love]

APPLE ANNOUNCED TODAYthe development of a microchip that can be implanted in a womans breast and plays music.
the itit will cost399
its regarded as a major breakthrough as woman are always complaining that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them;
lol doc;

[Forrest]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

................................................................................ ..................................

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

................................................................................ ........................................

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"