Joke of the day

[Dirty Harry]

I got sacked from my bingo caling job apparently a meal for two with a terrible view is not the way to announce 69.

[Dirty Harry]

Two thai girls asked me to go to bed with them. They said it would be like winning the lotto. They werent wrong we all took our clothes off and we had 6 matching balls..!

[pugsy13]

FIVE KINDS OF SEX

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.



The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.



The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.



The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"



There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

[emmasweet]

Ted, the cowboy walked stylishly into a barber shop, settled himself on the barber's chair and demanded, "I want a shave and a shoe shine."

TTed, the cowboy walked stylishly into a barber shop, settled himself on the barber's chair and demanded, "I want a shave and a shoe shine."

The barber began to lather his face. While ted was relaxing, a woman with a lovely big pair of breasts knelt down and began to shine his shoes.


Ted commented, "Hey baby, you and I should have some fun in a motel room."


The woman replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.


Ted said, "Tell him you are working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."



She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."er his face. While ted was relaxing, a woman with a lovely big pair of breasts knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

Ted commented, "Hey baby, you and I should have some fun in a motel room."

The woman replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

Ted said, "Tell him you are working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[emmasweet]

The shy, young man is thinking about asking his girl to marry him, but he doesn't know how to say it, so he asks his father, "Dad, what did you say to mum so she married you?"


"I only said 'OH NO!!!' and then we got married the next day.

[Sexy Fernanda]

Two thai girls asked me to go to bed with them. They said it would be like winning the lotto. They werent wrong we all took our clothes off and we had 6 matching balls..!

Hahahaha,Very good!: D

[Dirty Harry]

Two interesting facts about me. One my knob is as long as two argos pens and two i am barred from argos.

[emmasweet]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!

[emmasweet]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."


When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."


The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies'."


The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"


The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"


The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"


A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, " So, what do you guys call yours?"


The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... Like A Rock!" And gives a wink.


Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.


Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."


The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"


The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN !!

[Dirty Harry]

My wife woke me up last night and said i heard a squeaking noise down stairs.i said its probably only a mouse.the wife said it sounded like leather shoes i said don't be so fuckin stupid mice dont wear shoes !