Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

[Dirty Harry]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

brilliantlol

[carlos marvado]

LMAO............that's one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard.

[kerry lad in town]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines
his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'

The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'

Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'

brilliant i just sent it to my buddy he is going to china in a few weeks that should keep him quite.

[Forrest]

This is an old joke from Billy Connolly.

The Queen was visiting a military hospital in Scotland.
A big Sgt Major was showing her round.
She came to the first bed where a soldier was lying face down, groaning: “Ah’m no’ well, Ah’m no’ a well person, Ah’m decidedly unhappy…..”
“What’s wrong with this fellow here?”, asks the Queen
“Haemorrhoids, ma’am”, replies the Sgt Major.
Q: “Oh, It must be awful sore, what sort of treatment does he receive?”
SM: “Wire brush and dettol, ma’am”

Q: “The poor man’s bottom must glow in the dark. Do you mind if I talk to him?”
SM: “Go right ahead, ma’am. It’s your hospital”

Q: “Well, soldier, do you have any ambitions left?”
“Oh yes, ma’am. As soon as Ah’m better, Ah want tae get out o’ here and get back tae daein’ ma duty for you and the country”, replies the soldier.
Q: “That’s wonderful. This man should have a medal for that”
So she gets a medal, pins it to the back of his pyjamas and moves on to the next bed.

There’s a man lying face up, looking rather green around the gills.
Q: “What’s up with this chap?”
SM: “Venereal disease, ma’am. Self-inflicted injury. No sympathy for him at all.”
Q: “Oh, I’ve read about that. It sounds terrible. What treatment does he receive?”
SM: “Wire brush and dettol, ma’am”
Q: “Oh, the poor man’s willie must be in tatters.”

The Queen goes over to the bed and says: “Hello, soldier”
The soldier replies; “Hello yourself, ma’am. Nice tae see you.”
Q: “Have you any ambitions left in life?”
S: “Oh, yes, tae get rid of this disgusting disorder so tha Ah can get back and start daein’ ma duty again for you and the country”.
Q: “Very good……Give me another medal….No, a bigger one…..There you go.” And she pins the medal on his pyjamas.

She goes up the ward and comes to another soldier who doesn’t look too sick.
Q: “What’s wrong with you, soldier?”
“Laryngitis, ma’am,” he says in a low whisper.
Q: “Oh, I’ve had that before with all the speaking engagements I attend. It’s no joke, is it? What kind of treatment are they giving you?”
S: “Wire brush and dettol, ma’am”
Q: “Good God…and have you any ambitions left in life?”
S: “Yes, ma’am – to get the wire brush and dettol before those filthy bastards down there!!!!!!!”

[anon361]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!’ gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so.
I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied.
'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'You mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes...
Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

[Forrest]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.



He guesses there must be at least $10,000 in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."



"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink



a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks –



but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull



chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar.



His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.



He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[Forrest]

A woman goes to the doctor with a bee up her fanny.
The Doctor says: ”I’m going to rub honey on my dick and insert it. When the bee smells it, I will withdraw my cock and he will follow.”
“Ok” says the woman and the doctor starts.
The woman begins to moan and the doctor goes faster and faster.
The woman yells: “What the hell are you doing?”
The Doc replies: “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!!!”

[Apu]

A born again Christian is checking in to his hotel. Just before he heads upstairs he stops and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist looks at him in disgust and says, "No, it's just regular porn you sick fuck."

[Forrest]

A woman goes to the doctor for a full check up as was planning on getting married for the 5th time.
After the examination, the doctor looked very puzzled: “I can’t believe you have been married 4 times already, because you are still a virgin!!!”
The woman replies: “I can explain. My 1st husband was a gynaecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. The 2nd was a psychologist but all he wanted to do was talk about it. The 3rd was a plumber who kept saying he would get round to it next week, but never did. The 4th was a politician who just wanted to kiss my arse all the time, so I have remained a virgin!!”
The Doctor asked: “What does your fiancé do?” “Oh, he’s a banker” she replied.
The doctor smiled and said: “You will definitely get screwed this time!!!”