Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband whispers to his wife 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have a vagina?'

'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!'

[drgreenthumb]

Did ne1 hear 'bout Mick Hucknell! Done for beastiality... Aparently he was caught humping a rabbit. When questioned on how he managed to actually mount the poor creature he said, "It's easy when your 'holding back the ears' but later said that 'the bunny was too tight to mention'".

[Ric Hardgear]

i loved my dad..i miss him ..you have to remember the good times .can you remember his last words? ...yea im sure it was ..fuck me a bus ..

[Experienced Punter esq]

a man walks into a bar & orders a double scotch says to the barman ''I shouldn't be drinking with what I've got'' ''Why what have u got'' ''Thirty cents!''

[Dirty Harry]

myra hindley and a young lad walking across the moor.."fucking scary this is " said the lad."tell me about it" says myra"I'VE got to walk back on my own"..

[Forrest]

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.
“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.
“Makes sense,” mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

[Forrest]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".

Katie was horrified and told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble!!!
"Oh no, my dear" replied granny,"many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong".

Granny paused to wipe away and tear and continued, "He's still be alive if that fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along".

[Forrest]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that".
"That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!!

[Dirty Harry]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to who?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for a $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that".
"That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now"!!

very good forrest

[Forrest]

One day my girlfriend asked me:"When you are away on your football trips with the lads, do you think about me?"

Apparently saying "Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear.