Weekend Humour

[Forrest]

This one is dedicated to Fitzy :

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Once safely airborne, the passengers grin sheepishly to each other, feeling a little foolish that they should have thought that there was any problem, and a little embarassed at their screaming.

Up in the cockpit, the pilots remain silent until they reach their assigned flight level. At this point, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot:

"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream", he says gravely, "and then we're all going to die"

Brilliant, Scotus

[kerry lad in town]

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the
sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her
husband DR Love of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him
trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the
Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact"
about the whole thing all during the trial.

Lucy chambers he began, "was there any point that morning
where you felt pity for your husband ?"

"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

[scotus]

Another one for Fitzy

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight..

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot:

"I'm just going to the can to take a dump. After that I'm going to check out that new blonde stewardess and see if I can get a blowjob from her."

All the passengers hear this. The blonde stewardess in question, because she is nearest, immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, where in her hurry she trips and falls spread-eagled on the ground.

A little old lady sitting in a nearby seat helpfully leans over to the stewardess, and whispers to her

"There's no need to rush dear - he said he's going to take a dump first"

[Forrest]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,




















and then he married the one with the largest breasts

[Forrest]

One day a mom was cleaning junior's room and in the closet she found
a bondage S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the
magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it
and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

[Forrest]

A guy is shipwrecked on a celebrity cruise and he wakes up stranded on a desert island with Nicole Kidman. Anyway, after a few weeks they are having passionate sex. This is all fine and dandy for a bit, but the guy starts getting a bit depressed. Nicole comes up to him on the beach one day and says, "What's the matter?" He says "Well, it's wonderful, I'm on a tropical island with a beautiful woman who I love, but...but... I miss my mates. I miss going down the pub with them." She says, "Well, I'm an actress. Maybe if I get dressed in some of those male clothes which were left behind in the trunks, I can pretend to be one of your friends, and you can talk to me as if you were down the pub." It sounded a bit weird but he thought he would give it a try. So she gets into the men's clothing and they sit down next to each other, And the guy goes "Hey Joe, You'll never guess who I've been fucking."

[Forrest]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear short skirts and thong panties.
One day, a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt [or general lack there of and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please." the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he guessed he would be. Once she descends the ladder he decides that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself! Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's startin to twitch!"

[scotus]

The 10 Most Important People in a Woman's Life


1. The doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist because he says, "Open Wide"

3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman because he says, "Do you want it in the front or in back?"

5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it!"

6. The banker because he says,"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

7. The police officer because he says, "Spread 'em"

8. The mailman because he always delivers his package.

9. The pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.

10. The hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

[Forrest]

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there
is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar? "That's correct", responded the
professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned
bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor replied totally straight-faced,
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the
tongue and not in the back of the throat."

[Forrest]

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood were conversing on the porch swing
of a large white-pillared mansion. The first woman said, "When my first child was born,
my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued "When my second child was born, my husband bought me
that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the comment, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this
exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the second commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when
you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried "land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'who gives a flying fuck, I learned to say 'Well, isn't that nice!"