Aprils Comp

[Naughtynatalie]

A guy suspected his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective, the cheapest he could find!

this is his report:
Most honorable Sir

you leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He & she leave house. I follow. He & she go to a hotel. I climb a tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall ff tree. I no see

No fee
Cheng Lee

[bhoywonder]

My mate Dave thinks I could get my head entirely into a sheep's arse.

He's reckon he's trying to pull the wool over my eyes.


**********


Early the other morning I was pondering why the Sun always rose from the same part of the sky everyday.

Then it dawned on me.

[Forrest]

Barack Obama is flying back from a meeting in Cuba. As his helicopter passed over the Florida everglades, he spots two white men in a speedboat, dragging a black man behind them on a rope.
He asks the pilot to bring the chopper down alongside the boat. Once in hearing range, Obama turns the megaphone on and yells: "I sure do think it's wonderful of you two boys to take a black man waterskiing. It's refreshing to see that racial prejudices are a thing of the past in Florida".
As the helicopter flew off, one of the guys in the boat turns to the other and says: "He may be President of the whole fucking country, but he sure doesn't know shit about huntin alligator".

[kerry lad in town]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?


This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.

Luther went to visit his 90 year old grandfather(QPH)
in a very secluded, rural area of Kerry
After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning Luthers grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, Luther noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again,Luther was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon,Luther was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


Luther yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'



Meet Coldwater !



i know i posted this yesterday but i had trouble with the image.

[MR JOLLY]

Paddy and Mick are at Sydney Immigration office and Mick is a bit nervous so Paddy says: Ah no bother mick I’ll go in first, come out and tell ya what to say... So Paddy goes in and the guy asks him what he does for a living. I’m a pilot say’s paddy, ah bonzer says the aussie official welcome to Australia we can always do with more pilots. So paddy comes out, says to mick “No bother Mick just tell him what you do and he’ll let ya in” So Mick goes in and the guy asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a turf cutter” says mick and the guy say’s Ah sorry cobber Australia has no need of turf cutters I can’t let ya in! Mick says “ but sure ya let me mate Paddy in” Aussie guy goes “ yea but he’s a pilot” Mick says “ ah but he can’t pile it if I don’t cut it!!”

[widget]

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[ber]

First Time
There was a guy who had reached 30 and never had sex so he decided it was time to do something about it. So after explaining his predicament to a
friend they decided he should go see an Escort . So he booked an appointment with a Black Escort. Well as it happened she was a massive Chelsea
fan and on the inside of each thigh she had a tatoo, on one thigh a tatoo of John Terry and the other a tatoo of Joe Cole . The guy explained it was
his first time and that not alone had he never had sex but never seen a woman naked so he was a bit nervous . So to relax him she said look we will
have a competition and if u win seeing its ure first time u can have a free session . So she undressed and lay back and spread her legs and said to
him can u tell who the guys in the tatoos are? He was ages and ages looking but finally he said well i dont know two of em but the guy in the middle
with the big lips and the curly hair is definitely Didier Drogba

[Westsidex]

A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he
could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would
like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says
that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't
know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the
Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the
game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The
Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his
pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his
laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one
hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and
hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to
sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman
up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?'

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep.

congrats to the kerry lad,
Westside.

[Reggie]

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson go away for a picnic and camping trip. They have their walk, eat their tea and crumpets, pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake. "Look up at the stars, Watson, and tell me what you see."

Watson looks up into the sky, thinks for a minute, then says, "Astrologically speaking, I can say that Saturn is in Leo. Astronomically speaking, I can say that there are billions of stars and millions of galaxies. Theologically speaking, I can say that God is vast and we are small and insignificant. Chronologically speaking, I can tell you that it's a quarter past three in the morning. And meteorologically speaking, I can tell you that it's going to be a good day tomorrow."

Holmes looks disgusted. "Is that all?"

Watson nods. "Why, did I miss something?"

Holmes yells, "WATSON, YOU DICKHEAD! SOMEONE'S STOLEN THE FUCKING TENT!!!!"

===============================

This one from Mousey made me laugh the most -----

[Experienced Punter esq]

Shit I only noticed this Comp now why didnt someone remind me?....