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Thread: joke; lets get a bit of humour going here

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    south east

    Smile joke; lets get a bit of humour going here

    murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg, Paddy says " my feet are frozen mate, could you nip upstairs & get my slippers ?" murphy says" no bother" and runs upstairs. There are paddy's 2 stunning 19 year old daughters sitting on their bed. he said " Hellow girls your dad sent ma up here to shag you both." They said fuck off you liar" "Ill prove it" says Murphy, so he shouts down the stairs. "both of them Pat ?" paddy says" of cource whats the use of fucking one"


    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --

    particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as F.A.CUP 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no! avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate


    Dear Desperate:

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

    Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

    Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

    We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support

    any more jokes? keep em cumming

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  3. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    all over.

    Red face

    Marriage - Part I

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're here or not."


    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"


    Marriage (Part III)

    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"


    Marriage (Part IV)

    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."



    Marriage (Part V)

    The Silent Treatment

    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."

    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

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  5. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    south east


    A surgeon went to check on his blond patient after an operation.

    She was awake, so he examined her.
    "You'll be fine," he said.

    She asked,

    "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

    The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

    "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

    He replied,

    "Yes, you'll be fine.

    It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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  7. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2008


    Needed the Money
    A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
    "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
    "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
    "Do you have a partner then?"
    "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
    "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so
    I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
    "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
    "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
    "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
    "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
    At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
    "Well thank fuck for that !"
    "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
    "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

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  9. #5


    October 31, Last Year
    Rated R
    "A Good Weigh"
    On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

    So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

    Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

    Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

    Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

    Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

    "Wousy!" Rose replied.

  10. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2008


    Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in School.
    Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,called on her while she was sleeping.
    "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
    When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "GodAlmighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
    The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is ourLord and Saviour?"
    But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good,"
    Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question..."What Did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again,Johnny Came to the rescue.
    This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
    The nun fainted...........

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  12. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2008


    A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar
    houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window
    of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice
    say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying
    on the floor.

    A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins
    to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you "Iím a genie who
    was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. Iím allowed to grant three
    wishes, so what Iíd like to do is give each of you one wish, and Iíll keep the last one
    for myself."

    "Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
    "No problem," says the genie, "itís the least I could do. And you, maíam, what do you want?"
    "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
    "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish.
    Because Iíve been trapped in that bottle, I havenít had sex in a really long time. My
    wish is to sleep with your wife."

    The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and
    all those houses. If you donít mind, honey, I donít either."

    The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours.
    After heís through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your
    husband, anyway?"

    "Thirty-five," she replies.
    "And he still believes in genies?"

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  14. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    up to my neck in it !


    Brian Cowen.

  15. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Blog Entries

    Default World's shortest fairytale

    Once upon a time a guy asked a girl: 'Will you marry me"?
    The girl said no and the guy lived happily ever after.
    He rode motorbikes, went fishing, and played golf as much as he wanted.
    He drank beer and wine and had plenty of money in the bank.
    He always left the toilet seat up and farted and belched whenever he wanted.
    The End

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  17. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    south east


    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to
    room with Bob,
    because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one
    of them
    stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the
    morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
    what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up
    watched him all night."
    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the
    morning, same
    thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what
    happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the
    with his snoring. I watched him all night."
    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned,
    older cowboy,
    a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
    bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They
    "Man, what happened?"
    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked
    Bob into
    bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up
    watched me all night."

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