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Thread: Irish Jokes!!!

  1. #1
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    Talking Irish Jokes!!!

    Q - How many englishman does it take to stop a train?
    A - NOT ENOUGH!!!


    Why did the sun never set on the British Empire?
    Because not even God could trust them in the dark.


    Any crisis, large or small, can be dealt with in Britain
    by following the standard government four-stage plan. The
    press releases for this are as follows:

    1. "We don't think there is a problem. No action needs
    to be taken."

    2. "There may be a slight problem, but it's not our place
    to try to do anything about it."

    3. "There may well be a problem, but we must consider all
    possible courses of action and not rush into anything."

    4. "Well, perhaps we could have done something, but it's
    too late now!"


    Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
    One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over
    to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, I
    hear your St. Patrick was a sissy."
    "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
    Puzzled the English man walked back to his buddies.
    "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!"
    "You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn."
    The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish
    man on the shoulder.
    "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
    "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."
    Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his
    buddies. "You're right, he is unshakable!"
    The third English man said, "No, no, no, I will really
    piss him off, you just watch."
    The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him
    on the shoulder and aid, "I hear your St. Patrick was an
    English man!"
    "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

    Paws
    Gone ........... and forgotten?

  2. #2
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    Talking Irish Jokes!!!

    A boastful englishman said to a Scot " take away your friendliness,
    your mountains, glens & lochs what have you got?"
    "england" replied the Scot.

    Paws
    Gone ........... and forgotten?

  3. #3
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    Talking Irish Jokes!!!

    Whats the difference between the english and the Scottish ............... the english have good neigbours!!

    Paws
    Last edited by bigpaws; 11-11-08 at 00:52.
    Gone ........... and forgotten?

  4. #4
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    An Irishman , English man and a Scottish man were walking along the beach when they found a lamp . The Scot picks it up , rubs it and out pops a Genie . Seeing as how there is 3 of them the Genie gives them only 1 wish each .

    The Scot says "ok i want enough money to keep me happy for the rest of my life". The Genie snaps his fingers and the Scot is rich .

    The English man says "i'm sick of all the fuckin bastards coming into my country and taking our women and jobs , i want you to put a big fuckin wall all around England so no more foreign bastards can enter england again , and i'l be happy to never enter england again , so long as i know its protected. So the genie snaps his fingers and a wall 1000ft high and 250ft thick springs up all around england . Nothing can get in or out again ever .

    The Irish man says to the genie "are you sure that the wall around england is strong and nothing can escape ? The genie replies, " absolutely nothing will escape ". So the irish man replies "ok then fill the fucking thing up with water ".
    I have no signature at the moment

  5. #5
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    An elderly English gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

    At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

    "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

    The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

    "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

    The English gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

    "Impossible. All Englishmen have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

    The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

    Then he quietly explained.

    "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to"

  6. #6
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    A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

    His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

    "No, I couldn't find her head."

  7. #7
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    Disabled toilets.

    Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

  8. #8
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    Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

    He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

  9. #9
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    Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

    Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

  10. #10
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    An English soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

    A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
    The nun replied, “He went that way. "

    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

    The nun said she understood completely.

    The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

    The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either"

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