Quote Originally Posted by DollyDarling View Post
Chinatown darling. I found myself there yesterday, passing Jade necklace shops, open fish markets with plenty of smelly fishies staring dead-eyed at me, foot massagers who begged me to let them rub my feet in their basement itty-bitty-footie shops, the Chinese ice-cream shop where yes, I did get a lychee ice-cream cone... and then I saw my destiny. A tropical plant store, with greenery imported from the land of dragons and rice (no that wouldnt be a Chinese soup, tho it does sound yummy!). I dropped down $1000 lads, $1000 on tropical plants (does that make me an idiot?). I jumped in a taxi and awaited the plant's delivery. My bell rang, and 5 chinese people came into my flat carrying an army of tropical plants. That Money Tree reached as high as the ceiling, that Lime Tree is sitting now on my wee wooden chest of condoms (what a great way to hide my condom's storage container! Stick a Lime tree right on top of that wooden chest. Who would ever think of looking under a Lime tree. Does that make me NOT an idiot?). I put braided bamboo on top of my kitchen cuboards, and they are in a 2-headed dragon plant holder (does this make me an idiot? To put bamboo on top of kitchen cuboards in a 2-headed dragon plant holder?). The 20 year old Bonsai tree is now sitting on the window sill in my shower. When I take a shower, I grab the bar of soap that is just next to the Bonsai, and does this make me an idiot that I take showers with Bonsai? Or does this make me NOT an idiot cause I'll never have to bother remembering to water the damn plant, since it gets showered when I'm showered? But the final event that makes me wonder who the idiot is:
Did you ever go to sleep with two carnivorous plants? Did you ever lie on your back, and have the ceiling fan on low speed, and stare up at two carnivorous plants, with 15 hanging killer mouths all moving slowly in the fan's breeze, like they are laughing at how close your head is to their mouths? Awww, I know (at least I reassure myself) those plants only eat bugs, not Dollies. And this fear, turns into a mad laugh, where Dolly finds her scenario quite entertaining indeed! Does this make Dolly an idiot that she likes to sleep with Carnivorous plants that shake their killer mouths in the breeze, and make her laugh at how they move above her head like some dark resemblance to a baby's turning mobile, only Dolly's mobile has 15 mouths that break down bug bodies. Or what about the client I saw today, and how he laid on his back beside me and didnt suck my tits, didnt stick his Boston finger up my puss, didnt tell me all those "start-up" comments that get him one bit closer to my mouth on his cock? What about him paying a "fee" to lie on my bed with a pretty Dolly, and stare up at the killer mouth mobiles, and start laughing at my carnivorous plants that danced in the breeze, forgetting about his cock, forgetting about my exposed nipples, and only staring up at my killer buds in hanging baskets? Does that make him an idiot? I think it just might make him an idiot... Well I had to try my best to get him distracted from those plants. Yes, I got his cock going finally, and then he seemed in some delirious state-of-horny-mind (that I do believe will turn into some odd fetish concerning carnivorous plants and their involvement in his future intimacy with women) and he was like some wild jungle man over-taking Dolly under the carnivor plants.

So who is the idiot here lads? One thing I know, if Flyshit (one of your nominated idiots) gets anywhere near my carnivorous plants he will be digested for their lunch. A Carnivorous plant's favorite snack is an idiotic Fly! Does that make flyshit still the idiot, cause he can get digested for a plant's lunch? Or does it make me an idiot for turning my flat into a tropical paradise and letting myself get over-taken under dancing carnivorous plants? Or does that make my clients idiots since they get so mesmerized by the carnivor plants, that they forget their cocks and that money they just paid to... um, enter the "Natural history museum"??
Sorry Dolly, no nominations for your good self for September. But don't be too downbeat. At the very least, you deserve an honorary E-I literature award for the above piece. You're definitely New York's female answer to Woody Allen and even if, God forbid, you had to pack-in escorting, you could have a bright future in comedy.

P.S. Make sure to include Dublin in your next tour. Your dirty little Johnny Foreigner cant wait to tell you a few jokes in person. love5