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Thread: you think THATS funny ?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    The Twilight Zone

    Default you think THATS funny ?

    Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

    Ford thinks about it, and says, "I wanna hang out with God Himself."
    So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
    Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
    God asks, "What do you mean?"
    "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

    1. There's too much front end protrusion.
    2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
    3. Maintenance is extremely high.
    4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
    5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
    6. The rear end wobbles too much.
    7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
    8. The headlights are usually too small.
    9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

    Just to name a few."
    "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report and God reads it then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    The Twilight Zone



    Well it's been 29 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

    As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

    The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

    Used vs. New?

    A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
    or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be
    determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

    Your age Used or New

    1 - 12 Years (See note A)
    13 - 16 Years New
    17 - 21 Years Used, but not used up
    22 - 35 Years Used, heavily
    36 - 60 Years New, (See note B)
    60+ (See note A)

    A. Seek psychiatric help
    B. Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

    New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
    experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be
    old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the
    other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems
    worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than
    average mileage (2.1 SO's / yr). Much greater than the average may be an
    indication that the girlfriend was a professional.


    Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be
    loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as
    large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal
    to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or
    the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should
    make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
    accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
    large bosom) must be factory installed.

    The Test Ride

    When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual
    begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if
    dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or
    I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap
    you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once
    on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
    questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
    detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she
    remain cool?

    Ordering vs. On The Lot

    Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
    potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories
    wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time,
    however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU
    questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby
    factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.


    Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
    selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed
    at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom,
    kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
    the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
    according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
    initiative, looks, and performance.


    Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each
    category, variation is not statistically significant.

    Goddess: This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
    options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points
    of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
    mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical
    hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.

    Goddess-in-law: This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with
    contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
    alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

    Ms. Right: The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has
    most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size
    or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
    Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

    Babe: This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
    Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and
    suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your
    long-term girlfriend needs.

    Friend: The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be
    caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.

    Yeah, Her: The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
    girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful
    or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

    Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    The Twilight Zone


    This guy was walking down the street and this escort says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

    She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

    "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    The Twilight Zone


    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two escorts and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

    The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

    The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    The Twilight Zone


    There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with eachother and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys was like im going to answer the door so dont finish without me right. So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him i told you not to finish without me.

    The other guy says i didnt.....I FARTED!!!!!!!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    somewhere along bus route 46A


    An 81 yr old man goes to the doctors in a terrible state . The doctor tells him to calm down and explain his problem . "Doc i'm 81 and i'm married to a gorgeous 25 yr old blonde that wants sex 3 times a day ". "What's wrong with that ?" the doc asks . "Nothing , i just cant remember where i live " !!!

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