Amusement

:)Some of these you may have heard others maybe not... ENJOY!:)

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call?can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a
prostitute...'

YE WHAT!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious
fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And
for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club....................... (takes a breath)............. and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera and...

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,
sniff.

Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said
a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
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Dictionary For Women’s Personal Ad's

40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former Slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Whore
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
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Some Men do have morals?

I was happy. My girlfriend and me had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in in every way, my friends encouraged me, my girlfriend, she was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed and that was my mother - law to be.

She was a career woman, smart but most of all, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that I was soon to be married and that she had feelings and desires for me, that she could not overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. So she said, "I'll go to the bedroom and if you are up for it, just come and get me" I just watched her delicious behind, as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment and then turned around and went to front door. I opened it and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said "we are very happy and pleased ...you have passed our little test.

We could not have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story
.
.
. KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR


________________________________________________________________________________ ___


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________




ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNE SS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.