Agony Aunt Section (formerly Reviews)
Dear Patricia,
I am writing to you in desperate need of advice and guidance.
I am a happily married middle-aged successful businessman with three children. The eldest is at university studying medicine, the second is about to do the leaving cert and our youngest is starting secondary school in September. My business is thriving and my home life is one of happiness and joy. The only difficulty in my life, is that my darling wife has certain reservations about certain activities that she finds distasteful. This has not been a problem for me to date, as a local business lady who is self-employed has been more than willing to oblige me in this regard for a nominal remuneration.
Being a good Catholic, I go to confession religiously ever Saurday afternoon. Fr. Kelly, the local PP, who always hears my confession, is a very kindly man. He tells me that what I am doing is not a mortal sin, only a venal sin, and that I wont be going to hell for this. Fr. Kelly enjoys hearing my confession. He gets very excited and makes strange noices and movements. Afterwards, he gives me my penance and asks me to pray for him. I ask him why he needs my humble prayers. He mutters something about children ........ which I d'ont really understand.
My real problems and the reason for writing to you Patricia, is that the independent business lady that I like to visit, contacted me last week to say that she could'nt see me for a while........ something to do with a mix up in the results of a medical check-up. I wished her well of course and ask her if she could recommend anyone else in the interim. Unfortunately she could not, but as luck would have it, I came across an advertisement for another independent business lady in my local parish newsletter. Sinful Sadie was her name. An unusual name for someone connected to the church I thought. But the Newsletter contained a list of the services that she could provide, and I was delighted to have fould an alternative.
Anyway I paid Sinful Sadie a social call. Her professional fees were the exact same as the other business lady's, so needless to say I was happy with this. We sat down for a while and had ourselves a good natter. She made some camomile tea which I drank with a squeeze of lemon. We then sat down on her couch and held hands and gradually became more intimate with each other. Eventually, I got to the stage where I wanted to do the same things with her as I normally do with the other lady. Sinful Sadie took one look at me and said - "Your too big honey". I was taken aback, this had never happened to me before. I asked her again, but she just shook her head. When she saw how disappointed I was, she did however do her best to cheer me up. She produced some freshly baked scones which we had with strawberry jam and lashings of cream...... oh and some more of the camomile tea with the squeeze of lemon. I went away after half an hour feeling very happy with myself and thinking what a kind and considerate lady Sinful Sadie was.
But when I got home, I could'nt get the fact that I was too big for Sinful Sadie out of my mind. I was too embarrased at the time to ask her what exactly about me was too big. I was starting to think that could it be possible that I'm some kind of a freek.
I hope that you can give me some advice Patricia to put my mind at rest. I need some reassurance badly.
I've already asked Fr. Kelly. He told me to drop my pants and seemed very pleased with what he saw. He even invited back to the parochial house for tea and scones. I hope it's camomile again.
But I'd really appreciate a woman's opinion.
Yours in respectful innocence,
Paddy Punter
If baby can come out, "you" aint big enough not to get inside!
Am not a lady though. Do not joke on the religion. Repent and sin not!
Keys had been lost and a family had to come out of the house thru a hole made in the roof. The next morning, dad was fixing the roof and had to stand on mom (as they had no ladder). Kids were playing outside and a passerby asked them where dad was. The answer:"MOM IS ON TOP OF MOM FILLING THE HOLE WE MADE WHEN WE CAME OUT".
See, one size fits all!!