weekend humour !!

A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........


I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was

standing in the queue at the till.


A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,

although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it

works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by

now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.


Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition

because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so

hard as he staggered out the door.


Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

I know it has been the subject of many a joke and possible because it does happen but this actually happened to my brother,

He was away on a business trip and found himself with some time off so he decided to get a massage in a very respectable Health spa not far from his Hotel, of course the massuse was a pretty but not gorgeous girl as he described her so he asked for the full body massage, anyway during the session he became noticably aroused at which point she said would you like relief,
Now he was taken aback by this as it was a plush establishment but he said what the heck yes please, with that she left the room, now after a while he started to panic as he taught he had done something wrong or failed the test but after what felt like an eternity he said she returned to the room and with a smile she asked him was he finished. :D:D
No messing actually happened LOL

This old dear in her seventies lived next door to a little grocery shop and heard a bit of banging going on,thinking there was someone trying to break into it she phoned the police."can you send someone over right away,i think there is burglars next door robbing the place" Police arrive and do a search of the plce with the owner and reassure the woman that all is well and not to worry." Are you sure because i can still hear them banging from my bedroom,so the policeman goes up and listens,and after a while he opens her bedside cabinet---theres her vibrator goin at it hammer+tongs...true bill

Quote:

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Originally Posted by anon163

I know it has been the subject of many a joke and possible because it does happen but this actually happened to my brother,

He was away on a business trip and found himself with some time off so he decided to get a massage in a very respectable Health spa not far from his Hotel, of course the massuse was a pretty but not gorgeous girl as he described her so he asked for the full body massage, anyway during the session he became noticably aroused at which point she said would you like relief,
Now he was taken aback by this as it was a plush establishment but he said what the heck yes please, with that she left the room, now after a while he started to panic as he taught he had done something wrong or failed the test but after what felt like an eternity he said she returned to the room and with a smile she asked him was he finished. :D:D
No messing actually happened LOL

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now thats funny shit,
Westside.

Happened in Cork.These guys were walking along one night and spotted a guy in the river calling for help.One of the guys ran down a ladder and into the water to get out to him.Just as the guy jumped into the water ,the guy that was apparently drowning,stood up bursting his bollox laughing and ran away.
The feckin tide was out and he was taking the piss.

LOL
Westside.

we were in religon one day and this teacher was right doozo.Seriously the type that would take money out of the bank machine and not realise its coming from his own account.Anyway one of the windows had a ledge of a dorrway underneath just outside of it.A small guy in the class, a right messer decided he was going to have a laugh.He got up and told the teacher he was opening the window.All of a sudden he screamed and fell out but onto the roof of the doorway below.There he was hanging on ,shouting for help ,looking like he was falling when all the time he was standing on the ledge.The teacher panicked and shouted somebody to catch him.Seriously a true story,i was even thrown out of the class for laughing and i did nothing.Jesus if a room had 100 cornors they would have being all filled.All kept in class until late.

It was dark when i got home and it was spring,
Westside.

After have just given birth to my daughter, the nurse needed to give me a little stitch down there, but before getting to it, she had to go and take care of the baby, so off handedly she said, "Keeep your legs, closed." I replied, "Isn't that advice a bit too late!" She did have to chuckle.

Before I became pregnant, I worked in a museum, and we had just taken possession of a lovely Dogan Warrior sculpture, and some fertility figures. The Director of the museum was admiring the fertility figures, and commented how be care how you touch them, because rubbing them has been know to bring about pregnancy. I looked at it and her and in a dry voice, said, "I think you need to rub a bit more than that to get pregnant!"
Kisses Violette

Brian Cowen was looking for an escort. He found 3 such girls in a local pub - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. To the blonde he said "I am the Taoiseach of Ireland. Now, how much would it cost to spend some time with you?"

She replies, "€200".

He asks the brunette the same question. Her reply was €100.

He then asks the redhead. Her reply was, "Mr. Taoiseach, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, your dick as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the cost of petrol, and screw me the way you have the pensioners, then it won't cost you a fucking penny!"

:D