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Escorts to Avoid! (with tongue firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING- WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid. Number 1- THE HEADCASE!
You know the headcase the moment you enter her apartment, she will have a very large weapon in her hand, a machine gun, or something similier, she will also have a big smile on her face, because she knows she has you where she wants you- by the balls.
You have to thread very carefully here, theres a lot of bullets in that gun, and they are a lot harder than the bullets in the gun you have dangling between your legs. This is what you should do-
say to her- "YOUR MACHINE GUN NEEDS SOME OIL, I HAVE SOME OIL IN MY CAR, I WILL GO GET IT FOR YOU", you then make your way slowly out the door, and go to your car.
Once in your car, start it up quickly, and drive like f********* hell!
Dont look back and keep you head down low, that gun has a range of 800 yards, and she could still pick you off from her apartment window.
GO PUNTING- WITH DICK SPUNK!
Escorts to Avoid ! (with tonuge firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING- WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid. Number 2 The Granny!
You fancied a bit of mature and made an appointment to visit Mature Mary in her apartment. When she let you in the door it hit you like a bombshell, shes over 70 or more!
She told you she had blond hair, but she didnt tell you that that was 40 years ago, she told you that she had full breasts, but she didnt tell you they are skimming the carpet as she walks around the apartment, You think to yourself that when she first started working as an escort, the rebels were in the GPO having the Easter Rising.
She has a big grin on her face and without even asking you what you want she is taking off her clothes!
Its no use trying to frighten her off by saying you want to have OWO twice, she would just tell you you can have it 10 times if you want.
Its no use trying to use the old reliable- you left your wallet in the car, she would just tell you that she trusts you, and you can get it and pay her after you have finished.
She is determined to do the business with you, and be payed for it. You see you are the first guy to answer her ad in over 2 weeks, and she has you now, like a fly in a spiders web.
She is already relishing later tonight at home, when she boastfully tells her 6 daughters, 18 grand daughters and 35 great grand daughters that YOU came to her, and YOU paid her 150e to have sex with HER..
Even as you start to panic she is taking more and more of her clothes off, while tugging at your pants telling you to take off your clothes too.
This situation requires timing and sophistication to allow you make your escape.
This is what you do- Slam your hand onto your chest, collapse onto the floor, and scream " I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK, CALL AN AMBULANCE"
When she runs to her phone, you jump up, and go quickly out the door, go to your car and quickly drive away.
Pat yourself on the back for a good escape. But remember later tonight she will still tell her 6 daughters,18 grand daughters and 35 great grand daughters that YOU came to HER to have sex with her, and that YOU really wanted it.
GO PUNTING, WITH DICK SPUNK!
Escorts to Avoid ! (With tongue firmly in cheek !)
GO PUNTING - WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid. Number 3 The Tranny!
Her profile looked great value, 1 full hour of blowjobs, CIM, OWO, Doggie and Watersports, all for 60e. So you called her to arrange a visit, you did not notice her deep voice over the phone- nor did you notice her height, over 6 foot, when she let you into her apartment.
She was very friendly, all touchy feeley, but something bugged you, you couldnt quiet place your finger on it, then you start to notice some small things, she has stubble on her chin, she has extremley hairy legs, she has a bulge on her crotch, she has no female curves, then it hits you -FUCK! THIS IS A BLOKE!.
She/he is by now, gleefully licking her/his lips, and telling you that she/he is going to suck your balls dry.
Now you decide you have to leave, but she/he is a big bloke- might cause you trouble, so you need a 100% guarenteed way out without hassle. This is what you do, say "WOULD YOU PLEASE WEAR MY WIFES PVC MINI SKIRT FOR ME? I HAVE IT IN MY CAR, I CAN GO GET IT FOR YOU".
At this request she/he will almost be saliving with excitement, and will gladly let you go out.
Leave and go quickly to your car, clime in and drive out of the area with haste.
You did not remember the old saying, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
Escorts to Avoid ! (With Tongue firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING- WITH DICK SPUNK !
Escorts to Avoid- number 4 The House wife!
Over the phone she promised you some nice cosy fun in her marital bed,
blowjob? no problem!
CIM ? no problem!
Facial followed by Doggie? no problem !
The first shock hits you when a big hairy guy opens her apartment door, before you think you have the wrong door he ushers you in, a big smile on his face, and then she appears from the bedroom, wearing a pink bady doll nighty with no knickers.
She smiles and takes you into the bedroom, taking trouble to flash her knickerless crotch to you, it looks quiet good, you think, until HE follows you into the bedroom, and closes the door, she is feeling your crotch and smiling, calling you a sexy animal, but she sees you look uneasy, and knows why, she tells you that HE is her husband, and he is just there to watch. He then extends his hand and shakes your hand, asking how are you.
Then it hits you whats up, their plan is that while you are shagging the wife, the husband is standing there wanking himself, and when you have finished and gone, the two of them count the 150e that you gave her, and then they shag each other senseless.
You decide to escape so this is what you say to him-" I HAVE SOME NICE SOFT VASALINE IN MY CAR, I CAN USE IT ON YOUR WIFES FANNY, AND YOU CAN USE IT TO GIVE YOURSELF A GREAT WANK, I WILL GO GET IT FROM MY CAR". Smile very broadly as you say this, the secret is to look enthusatic. When he agrees, leave the room, look back and say "DONT YOU TWO START WITHOUT ME NOW". Again smile as you can this.
When at your car, get in quickly, start up, and leave as fast as you can.
Remember for next time; always ask a wife where her husband will be while she gives you get a blowjob.
Escorts to Avoid ! (With tongue firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid Number 5 - The Preggie!
You are all horned up going upstairs to Doggie Sally s apartment, yes, Doggie Sally herself, you have been trying for months to see her, her speciality is Doggie, she promised you on the phone that she rides like a rockweiler, and you are looking forward to it- woof! woof!.
However all your horny hopes crash land the moment she opens her door and brings you inside, yes shes about 9 and a half months pregrant.
You want to get out of there straight away, least she pops out the baby there and then, you imagine the full horror in your mind - the moment you lie on her in the bed, she starts screaming that the baby is coming, she screams at you to call an ambulance, before you know it the ambulance guys have arrived, and are taking both you and her downstairs, giving blankets to you to carry and asking you is she alergic to this that and the other, before you can answer, you are in the back of the ambulance as it speeds to the hospital, with her holding your hand, and then the baby starts entering the world, by the time you reach the hospital the nurses are congratulating you and telling you the baby has your eyes, by the end of the day the baby has been named after you.
NO you decide, before all this has a chance to happen, you have to get out, its a delicate situation and requires tact, this is what you do, grab out your mobile phone, pretend to read the text screen and scream "FUCK! MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE! I HAVE TO GO!"
Leave quickly, go to your car, and get out of there.
Doggie Doggie woof! woof!
Escorts to Avoid ! (with tongue firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid - Number 6- The Stinker!
You have arranged to visit an escort with the awfully kinky plan of licking out her cunthole - something you have wanted to do with an escort for a while (you dirty devil).
Its only when she allows you into her apartment that it hits you- the stale smell, is it from her you ask yourself, well you soon find out when she hugs you with a welcome, yes its her all right, B. O. body odour, pong, stinky.
As dirty as your mind might be, this girls body is far far more dirty, This girl needs a wash more than she needs your 150e. The funny thing is (well its not that funny to you) is that she does not know it herself- but she stinks like a dead dog.
Then, with a big grin on her face she pulls down her stained knickers she tells you she is ready for you to lick out her cock box.
You have to exit this situation you tell yourself, this is what you say- WOW, YOUR GEE LOOKS DELICIOUS, BUT I ALWAYS HAVE A DRINK WITH A MEAL, CAN I HAVE A DRINK OF WATER FIRST.
When she goes to get it for you, turn around and run like fuck out the door.
Dont stop running till you reach your car, get in, and speed away.
Always remember, lust is blind, but it has a very sensitive nose.
Escorts to Avoid (Wiyh tongue firmly in cheek!)
GO PUNTING WITH DICK SPUNK
Escorts to Avoid - number 7 The dominant Mistress!
She looked good in her profile, dressed in in black leather, long black hair and promising to discipline you for looking at girls in mini skirts, a good roleplay you will enjoy before you have nookie with her, you think.
The trouble begins immediately after you enter her apartment, she screams at you to take your clothes off, calling you a useless piece of **** all the while. Once naked you are dragged (by your testicles) to a bench, there you are cruficied to some sort of huge gallows contracpion, while she gets a bullwhip and spends 15 minutes whipping your arse untill it looks like a packet of tesco ham, then she gets a strap-on and spends 10 minutes shafting you in the bum, all the while making you say THANK YOU MISTRESS THANK YOU . . .to finish off she pisses on you and then throws you out of her apartment.
Its only when you are driving home that you start to think- you arse is so sore from whip marks that you can barely sit, your bum hole is so sore from her shafting that you cant have a crap, your hair is covered in her piss and your clothes are soaked in it, and just to really annoy yourself you relize that you handed her 300e for all this, and the reason you went to her in the first place was to get a blowjob from her.
This is what you should have said to her the first moment you entered her apartment -
I HAVE A VERY BIG PLIERS IN MY CAR, WOULD YOU USE IT TO TWIST MY TESTICLES PLEASE, I CAN GO TO MY CAR AND GET IT. Then you go to your car and drive away quickly. The lesson you learned here is that if your want fun, go to a escort, and if you want your arse shafted by a 10 inch strap on, go to a mistress.