joke..lol

It Sucks to Get Old


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. .Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open!"

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions - from fear to happiness, and so on.
The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. "What have you come as?" the guy asks. "I’m green with envy." "Wow, that’s brilliant," says the host. "Come in and have a drink." A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. "Wow, great outfit," says the host. "And you’ve come as..." "I’m tickled pink!" she says.
"Brilliant," the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock suck in a pear.
"What the hell are you both doing?" screams the host. "Well, I’m fucking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!"

The Penis Poem: :(

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.
Time was, when, on its own accord, from my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job to find the fucking thing.

It used to be embarrassing the way it would behave,
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave.
As old age now approaches, it sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head and watch me tie my shoes.

The next time you get to go to a fancy dress, just arrive in your jeans and shoes, no shirt, no t-shirt not even a vest.. bare chested.. when the host asks you what you came as, just reply..


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wait for it ..
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" i just came in my pants"...

God i love that.

An alien warship has landed and is taking all the sexy and intelligent people away.
Don't worry, you're all safe. I'm just writing to say goodbye!

Sex Rodeo Style:
Get in doggy position, one hand on each breast. Then tell her you just fucked her sister. Now see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

True story

A radio station is having a competition to find slang words that have made it in to the dictionary

afater a while he he gets a call and asks ok caller what is your word ,to which the caller says goan, the

the dj asks yes ok can you use it in a sentence, to which the caller says "Goan fuck yourself"

The dj apologieses on air for the remark and hangs up on the caller.

After a few more calls he gets another caller on and says "Ok caller whats your word"

The caller peplies "Smee" the dj goes "Yes thats right, can you use it in a sentence?"

To which the caller replies, " Smee again, goan and fuck yourself"