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A farmer is not feeling well, so his wife takes to the Doctors office.
After the Doctor examines him, the Doctor calls the farmer's wife
in to talk to her alone.
She ask's "is my husband going to be okay?
The Doctor replies, "Well, he will be if you do everything I say. You
have to prepare all his meals for him every day. All food must be
organic and gluten free. He cannot have flour or sugar. His stress
levels can't go high so it will be good if you agree with him. No
strenuous activities so maybe you should take on the yard work,
snow cleaning and feeding of the animals. Do this for a year and
he will live."
Later, in the car the farmer asks his wife what the Doctor said to her.
She replies, "Well honey... He said you are going to die."
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they
realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes
to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands
against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled,he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soup.
Now the third nun decides to have a ago.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells..."Holy Mary, Mother
of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
"Give it to me! Give it to me!" She yelled.
"I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
Heard this one in the boozer yesterday:
What do u call a Roman soldier wit a piece of hair stuck between he's front teeth?
A glad-he-ate-her
😂
Q. Wats the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
A. U cant hear an enzyme....
Lol
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
An engineer dies and goes to hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning
water, flushing toilets, and escalators. The engineer is really
popular now.
One day, God asks asks Satan, "So, how are things going there?"
Satan says, "Why things are going great. We've now got air conditioning,
ice water, flushing toilets and escalators. There's no telling what this engineer
is going to come up with next. He's simply brilliant!"
God is horrified. "What, you've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake! He should
never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up
here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs. "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Gor this one from the lads WhatsApp group hahahah.
What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
Little Johnny is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.
So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living
room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her
friends.
"Mommy," Johnny yells at the top of his voice, "I gotta
pee, I gotta pee!"
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's
language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy.
"Johnny, we do not shout that word in this house! Next
time, just whisper, okey?"
Little Johnny nods sheepishly. His mother takes him to
the bathroom and tucks him back into bed. The next night,
little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.
So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room,
and there his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
"Mommy! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!" he says.
His mother excuses herself and takes Johnny to the bathroom,
smiling at her son's innocent mistake. But relieved that he was
at least more discreet than last time. She then takes Johnny
upstairs and tucks him into bed.
"Well done sweetie," she says, kissing him goodnight, "That was
much more polite"
A few nights go by and low and behold, little Johnny is busting
to go to the toilet again. So, he gets out of bed, runs downstairs
into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV. "Daddy!"
Johnny says softly, "I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!"
"Aw, is that so, little buddy?" says his dad, his eyes fixed on the television.
"Come on over here. And whisper in daddy's ear."
Anto’s missus was in the Rotunda Hospital, ready to give birth to their first child.
When they arrived, the nurse asked, how dilated is she, sir?
Anto replied, ‘Delighted? She’s over the fu*kin moon!‘”
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband: “I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.”
Inspector: “What is her height?”
Husband: “I never checked.”
Inspector: “Slim or healthy?”
Husband: “Not slim, she can be healthy.”
Inspector: “Colour of eyes.”
Husband: “Never noticed.”
Inspector: Colour of hair?”
Husband: “It changes according to season.”
Inspector: “What was she wearing?”
Husband: “Not sure. It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.”
Inspector: “Was she driving?”
Husband: “Yes.”
Inspector: “Tell me the type and colour of the car?”
Husband: “A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0-litre V6 engine generating 333 horsepower teamed with an eight-speed Tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light-emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door and then the husband started crying.”
Inspector: “Don’t worry sir, we will find your car!”
A cowboy swaggers into a bar, and can't help but notice a horse
standing in the corner. He says to the bartender, "I'll take a scotch-
and what's with the horse in the corner?"
"See this pile of money?" the bartender says, showing him a jar full
of bills. "If you can make that horse laugh, you can have it all"
"Alright," said the cowboy.
So the cowboy strutted over to the horse and whispered in his ear.
The horse erupted into some serious laughter. The cowboy walked
back to the bar, downed his scotch, grabbed his jar full of money,
and left.
A couple of weeks later the cowboy returned to the bar. The horse was
still in the corner. "Do I get more money if I make him laugh again?"
The cowboy asked.
"Heck no!" The bartender said, "See this pile of money?" As he showed
him another jar stuffed full of bills. "If you can make that horse cry, you
can have all of it."
"Alright," said the cowboy. So he strutted over to the horse, patted the
horse on the nose, and led him outside to the alley.
The cowboy and the horse were in the alley for just a few minutes. When
they returned, the horse was bawling his eyes out.
The bartender was amazed!
"Can I have my jar full of money?" The cowboy asked.
The bartender nodded, "Sure, but before I hand it over, you gotta tell me,
how did you do it?"
"Well to make him laugh," said the cowboy, "I told him that my manhood
was a lot bigger than his."
"You're kidding," the bartender said. "So, how'd you make him cry?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "When I took him out in the alley. I proved it."
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, Bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the
day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they
retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling
please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince
of Wales attacked her right shoes with vigor, but it would not budge.
"Harder," yelled Camilla, "Harder!"
Charles yelled back, !I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" She cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,
"There oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, See I told you
with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, in the next room, Charles tried to remove her left shoe, and cried,
"Oh God, darling. This one's even tighter!"
That's a very old one, it was Charles and Diana's wedding night, Phillip had a glass to the wall and when Charles said 'this ones even tighter', Phillip smiled and said, once a Sailor.......
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the
Caribbean. The audience would be different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the
same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle
of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat" the parrot
would say. "Look, he is hidding the flowers under the
table. Hey why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything
about it. It was after all, the captains parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The
magician found himself flouting on a piece of wood
in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate but did not utter
a world. This continued day after day. Finally, the
parrot had enough and said, "OK, I give up. Where's
the boat?"
Three pregnant women in a cafe having lunch,
when one of them says. "I know that I'm going
to have a boy."
The other two women think about that for a moment,
and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're
going to have a boy?"
"Well, when the child was conceived." says the first woman.
"I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second
woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."
"Okey." Says the first one. "How do you know you're going to
have a girl?"
"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So
I'm going to have a girl."
They sit and eat for a few more minutes more, The third woman
obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks
down into horrible sobbing?
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" The first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say
one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"
A man and his wife are at a high school reunion. The husband keeps staring at a gorgeous drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table, glass after glass. His wife turns to him and asks, “Do you know her?”‘Yes,” sighs the husband. “She’s my ex-wife.”
He explains, “She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” exclaims the wife,.. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?!”