• The Carrot (Satirical News)

    Prostitutes Say Politicians are Scoundrels 

    Published on 26-07-10 10:00
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    2. The Carrot (Satirical News)

    Furious Irish sex workers are accusing the Fine Gael party of using underhand ‘Google bomb’ tactics to try to steal customers away from them.

    A Google bomb is when a group of people attempt to cause a target web page to become the number one search result for a chosen search phrase.

    The problems started last week when Fine Gael TD Lucinda Creighton shockingly announced that there was ‘cute-hoorism’ going on in her own party. The media lapped up the young blonde politician’s comments and within days there were hundreds of web pages talking about ‘cute hoors’ in Fine Gael.

    Some politicians, including Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, denied there are ‘cute hoors’ in the party, but by using the ‘cute hoor’ keyword only added to the Google Bomb effect.

    ‘Hoor’ is a common slang spelling of the word ‘whore’ in Ireland and Irish Internet users searching for a ‘cute hoor’ are now more likely to be directed towards the website of the Fine Gael party than a genuine whoring website.

    Ireland is one of the only countries in the world to have laws prohibiting the advertising of brothels or prostitution, but escort websites get around these laws by locating themselves outside of Irish jurisdiction.

    A spokesperson for escort website Escort-Ireland.com said “This is just another cheap tactic from politicians who want to see prostitution further criminalised, even though that would only serve to hurt the women they claim to want to help. We are cute hoors and we won’t be outwitted!”

    Meanwhile Irish escorts are claiming this isn’t the first time politicians have attempted to Google Bomb them out of business, and pointed to a previous attempt led by Green Party TD Paul Gogarty, who was calling for escort websites to be blocked in the Dáil (Irish Parliament) last month and was very keen to get in on the ‘cute hoor’ debate last week also.

    In 2009 Paul Gogarty shockingly said “Fuck you” to another TD during a live televised Dáil debate, an act which made him an instant YouTube star and synonymous with the Internet keywords ‘fuck you’. The TD cleverly directed his outburst towards, Emmet Stagg, a TD whose name is commonly associated with the word 'prostitutes'. Lucinda Creighton then demanded Paul Gogarty be suspended, inflating the story ever further.

    “It’s the same TDs again and again, a clever conspiracy” said one escort who asked not to be named. Another escort unwilling to go on the record said “Normally Denis Naughten is the cause of all our political problems, but obviously this is too clever a plan for him to have been behind.”
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    Irish Arses Dirtiest in Europe 

    Published on 19-06-10 17:00
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    2. The Carrot (Satirical News)


    DUBLIN - A survey of 200 professionals has found that Irish men have the worst anal hygiene in Europe.

    Touring sex workers visiting Ireland were asked to rate the anal hygiene of men from across Europe based on their extensive and intimate experience.

    A shocking 93% of the prostitutes questioned said they found Irish male arse hygiene ‘abysmal’, the lowest possible rating.

    Sex workers reported that the worst offenders generally came from smaller towns, with men from the counties of Roscommon and Leitrim singled out as being particularly bad.

    In contrast Swedish men had the cleanest arses, with 73% of sex workers rating Swedish anal hygiene as excellent.

    Even the French, who are renowned for being a filthy race, came off much better than Ireland, as did all the former Eastern Bloc countries where it was assumed people would be dirtier.

    Sharing Ireland’s shame as the second worse nation for arse hygiene was Germany, surprisingly considering they are known as a nation that is very anal about most things.

    Speaking about today’s survey results, one escort who asked not to be named said “The most annoying thing is the skid marks they leave on the sheets. When I tour Ireland I have to bring so much spare linen with me and now that Ryanair are charging for luggage it is very expensive.”

    Other escorts remarked on the repulsive smell, ‘cheese’ in the crack and bits of crusty faeces dropping off during sexual activity, and said they felt the dirtiest clients should have to pay an additional soiling charge.

    Escort clients reacted angrily and pointed out that they are paying more for sex than all of their European counterparts. Clever Punter said “When I go on my holidays to Spain I will always have a good wash before visiting a working girl, as I can get all services for €60 there. But here we are expected to pay minimum €100 to €150 for a basic service, so why should I wash my arse? At that price the only time I’m wiping my arse is on her clean towels before I leave.”

    Isabella Molina of the European Prostitutes Union called for the Irish government to consider licensing brothels and making bidets a health and safety requirement. “Until this is done Ireland will continue to be known as the smelly man of Europe” she said.

    Patricia Albright of Escort-Ireland.com said she was aware that some escorts wanted to be able to advertise on their profiles that they charge extra for dirty clients, but this was not possible as her website only advertises ladies that charge for their “time and companionship”, and to have ‘extras’ listed would undermine this and legally make them prostitutes, which they are not.
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